Volume Eight.

I awoke peacefully. For the first few moments I had no recollection of what had happened the night before. I just stared blankly at the window near my bed. It took me a moment to even realize I was coherent. I had left that window open the night before and as a result the chill of the brisk morning infected my bedroom.

Instead of getting up to shut the window like any normal person would do I burrowed deeper into my blankets, but something interrupted me. I ran into something with my feet, which were as cold as ice. I looked next to me and saw Trent. Fast asleep under my covers. The same covers I had been sleeping under the entire night.

All in one movement, everything that had taken place the night before came rushing back to me.    

       

At first, regret hit me. I had known that Trent was not in his head at the moment and I felt as if I had taken advantage of that. I was not being too considerate of that fact the evening before, but the poor guy had just lost his mother and he was in no way ready for any of what had happened the night before.

I was a gigantic, selfish, inconsiderate (and horny) asshole.

On the other hand he was the one who started kissing my neck while I was asleep.

I was not sure what to make of the situation. I wish I could have been one of those reckless young guys and just not have cared about the consequences of anything. However, being reckless was not one of my strong points. Unfortunately, I had a conscience.

I looked down at him. He looked so peaceful. It appeared we had fallen asleep in a spooning position as he faced the opposite direction of me while my arm seemed to have found a way to drape itself over his warm body. He had his hands folded close to his face and as he slept his bottom lip hung away from his top. If I stayed still long enough I could hear a faint snore erupt every so often as he inhaled and exhaled.

I let out a faint sigh as I rested my forehead against his beautiful golden locks that curtained the back of his head. 

I just stayed there and enjoyed what I knew might be the last time I would ever get to be that close to him.

For even then, I feared once he awoke he would blame the whole ordeal that had occurred the night before all on me, and proceed to storm out like he had several months prior.

I didn’t want that, but I couldn’t do any or say anything to stop it.

I let out a faint yawn and felt my eyes grow heavy beneath the weight of the morning air.

“I love you.” I said with my eyes delicately shut with a whisper in my voice.

After a prolonged silence I felt the covers move and my head fall from the back of his; hitting my pillow softly, slowly. That was the last thing I remember before I fell back into my sleep.

I awoke again. Hours later. The sun had moved high into the air and its warm affects could be felt everywhere. However, it was still quit cold. The windows in my room still had a bit of frost on them. My window had been shut, and I was now alone. He was gone. It seemed like he took the cold air with him as the room was no longer frigid like it had been the first time I awoke. All traces of his presence had been wiped away.

I stumbled out of bed, and limped my way towards the kitchen table and sat down.

“Morning, sleeping beauty. Finally decide to wake up?” My father said as he scarfed down his sandwich.

“…shut up.” I said back with my head lying on the table as I day dreamed about going back to sleep.

It felt so strange seeing my father after knowing what I had done the night before. I worried all the time what he would say or do to me when I decided to tell him. Knowing that I am sneaking this around him made me feel bad, but disappointing him and telling him that his one and only son is fooling around with another boy would have killed me. So I avoided it at the time.

“Whats new? Trent sure did run off early. I was hoping he would stick around so he could go fishing with you me, and your uncle.”

“Yeah I guess, he was here when I woke up earlier.”

“Yeah I gave him a quick breakfast as he was heading out. Seemed like he was in a pretty big rush. I was afraid the house was on fire, HAHA.”

“You’re so funny. I might fall out of this chair.” I said as I remained still with my head still on the table, eyes closed, and facing the opposite direction.

“Maybe you need some more sleep. Seem a little grumpy. Is it your time of the month? You riding the cotton pony?”

“Kiss my ass, Stanley.”

I peeled my face off of the table and made my way back to my bedroom.

It was times like that when I wish I could have had a gay friend. Someone I could have dished with and told everything to. I just had the fucking hottest make-out slash grope session of my life and I could tell no one, and even the other person involved didn’t want to talk about it. That alone feeling made me very depressed.

I decided to call Trent. See what he was doing, maybe he would want to hang out, I thought. My thought process what that he didn’t leave because he was uncomfortable. He just had to get home. I was trying to justify calling him, so….this nonsense made sense in my head somehow.

*ring* *ring* “Hey its Trent, leave a message and I’ll call back unless you want money.”

“BEEP”

“Hey Trent. Its me. Damon. I’m just calling to see whats up and maybe if you wanted to go do something later. Call me back.”

I didn’t get a call back, or a text message. He had left me again. To ignore me and pretend that I didn’t exist. 

I suppose that was a much easier way to handle things for him. I was an inconvenience in his life a majority of the time. My feelings for him were not what he wanted, until he needed them. I loved him and despite his obvious affection for me…he ignored my feelings.

Why are people such cowards? Why was I such a coward?

I spent the rest of the daylight hours checking my phone and wasting all day watching sad movies with my windows closed and the lights off. It was my great escape, except for the fact that I couldn’t get away. No matter how I tried.

That night, I did not sleep at all. I sat on my porch, wrapped up in a blanket my grandmother had made me before her death. I watched the wind relocate an endless number of long dead leaves in the shadow of the moon lit grass. The wind is an enigma. It affects life so heavily yet all you can see is what it does to other things. The cause, the wind, remain invisible.

I had to do something drastic to fix this once and for all. I refused to let Trent sweep my under the carpet until he needed me. I wouldn’t ignore the issues we had.

Volume Nine.

The following Monday morning, I decided to give my cousin a call. Kelsey, my mom’s niece, was my first friend in life, and someone I could always count on. I was fairly sure she had come back home for a few weeks form university for Christmas break so I wanted to get hold of her since Trent had been busy all weekend. Kelsey was 2 years older than me and we had always been close until she moved into the dorms at her university where we lost touch.

When we were both young we literally spent almost every day with one another. We were either climbing trees, playing hide and seek with her neighbors, or walking to the local market to get some candy. Some of my most fond childhood memories were with Kelsey.

“Hello?” she said. I had called before leaving for school, so I more than likely had woke her up.

“Hey, Kelsey. Sorry to wake you, not really, but you know? Anyways, I get out at 2:00 today. Want to do something?”

“Sure. Call me back when the fucking sun is up, okay? Bye, love you.”

“Okay.” I said, but she hung up, more than likely rolling over in her bed during the process. Oh well.

I decided to check my voicemail while I had my phone out. I usually do this sort of stuff when I have some time to kill. Any other time and they would get ignored.

“You have, 1, new message…”

The voicemail had seemed to be an incoherent rant by someone drunk off their ass, or perhaps someone who had just left the dentist with a numb tongue. I could barely make out what they were saying.

“Huh…”  I uttered in puzzlement while pressing the delete button. 

I walked into first period and threw my bag on a back desk. Everyone else was buzzing into the class room to drop their books off at their desks so they could walk back out into the hallway as usual to do their meaningless, shallow, and empty socializing. I never cared much for socializing in the hallway. It never seemed to amount into a healthy or interesting conversation so I usually paced as fast as I could to the next class.

Strangely though, a few minutes before class, one of my track and field buddies, Beck Casely, walked into class. This interested me. He stopped at the entrance of the classroom and scanned the room until he found me.

He was a sophomore. Beck was not tall in the slightest, with short, strawberry blonde hair, and freckles all over his checks. He was very slim, almost nothing. However, he was fairly quick when he needed to be. He was probably the fastest sophomore on our team, not that that was saying much at all. He was a timid little thing, who would agree with you if you told him the grass was purple. At the time, I couldn’t imagine why he needed me. We were friendly at track practices and he would follow me around at our meets, but I never thought of him as a friend, really.

“Damon?”

“How is it going, Beck?” I said as I sat the front two legs of my chair back on the ground, taking my feet of the deck.

“Well, a bunch of the guys from the team have been talking, and they wanted me to come ask you…if it was true.”

“Wait, what?” I fired back as I pulled out my semi-complete grammar homework from the bottom of my book bag.

“Is it true, what they’re…saying?” He repeated, looking very nervous and talking softer and softer with every word.

“Who is saying what? What are you talking about?”

“I really don’t want to do this. Crap. Damon, are you really…a…umm…a faggot?” He whispered as he scanned the room again to make sure no one could hear him.

My face stopped moving the moment I watched his lips utter the word. I stopped moving and I just stared at him.

“What?”  I replied.

“I don’t know. A couple of the guys told me to come ask you if it was true.”

“Who did you hear that from, Beck?” I said jokingly in an attempt to not seem angry. Showing anger would have made me looked defensive and as if I had something to hide.

“A couple of freshmen, I don’t know. One of them said they heard it from someone at a party over the weekend. I wasn’t there, so don’t get mad at me, okay?”

“I’m not mad. Someone lied to you.” I was lying to his face. I was pissed.

“Do you know who said that about you, Damon? Everyone is talking about it.” Beck said with a hint of hurt in his voice. Beck looked up to me, I think, and hearing this about me more than likely diluted all the “coolness” he thought I possessed.

“No, Beck. I’m sure it is just one of the guys being an asshole. It is always has to be me they screw with.” I lied. I knew who had said it, and I was taking every ounce of self control I had to not punch Beck in the face out of my rage. Trent…

“Well, okay. I’ll see you at practice, Damon.” He said as the bell rang, signaling the beginning of first period.

My anxiety at that very moment was at an all time high. My fear of being found out was too much. I knew every single person who would have heard would be walking into the classroom with a completely new view of me. Something I was not, at the time, ready to be seen as. It would have killed me.

I threw my grammar homework back into my bag and threw it over my shoulder. I rushed out of the room telling Mr. Harrison that I was not feeling well.

My first period class was near one of the side entrances of the school building and it also happened to be near the parking lot.

I made the awkward walk past most of my fellow classmates who were now walking into class. I just stared at the ground as I pushed my way by.

I was pushing the side entrance door open as I heard him. His laugh. I knew his laugh.

The hallway was no almost empty with only a few freshmen scrambling into their classes as they scared down their breakfast. Near the junior lockers was a circle of four students. All of them were football players who had first period off, but still had to be in the building for attendance purposes. Among them were Andrew Jones, Marcus Finny, Antoine Colvin (or as he liked to be called: “AC”), and Trent.

I glanced back at him, and the silent rage began to build even more. I thought I could count on him. I thought he was going to be there for me like I was for him, but he was clearly too selfish to care about anyone but himself.

I closed the door and dropped my back pack near the water fountain located outside the bathrooms. I walked pass the entrance to my first period and, fists clinched made my way near the junior lockers.

I walked right into their small circle, past Andrew and AC, and right face to face with Trent who had been leaning against the lockers. The laughing stopped as I made my approach and without a single word I reared back and socked him straight in the nose pushing up as hard and fast as I could. Blood immediately started pouring out of his nostrils and some made it onto my first as Antoine and Andrew both grabbed hold of either of my arms.

“You are a lying son of a bitch, Trent.” I said as Trent fell to his hands and knees, putting his hands over his nose and mouth in an attempt to stop the blood flow.

It dripped onto the tiles of the hallway and he had smeared some onto the lockers as he made his attempt to get up. He looked up at me, clutching his nose, with his blue eyes. He looked stunned and completely out of it. He kept blinking and looking around as he stumbled to get up.

“What the fuck, Damon?” Marcus shouted as he tried to help Trent back up to his feet. 

I shook free and walked back towards the side entrance. As I grabbed my backpack I heard my principal’s voice.

“Damon Zephyr Lewis. Where do you think you’re going?” He said as he quickly paced down the hall way to stop me from making my grand escape. He grabbed me by my wrist and tried to pull me, but I pulled away.

“I thought I might go grab a late breakfast. Would you like to join me, Mr. Westwood?” I said back, throwing my book bag over my shoulders once again.

He was an alumnus of the very high school he was now in charge of. Now in his early 40s, he was a good ole boy that the entire town loved. He was once also a football player, but he had aged and with every passing year it seemed his belt size also went up a number too. His chin and neck seemed to have slowly become the same thing, as his hair line retreated. He was a tall man with a perfect upright stature, but his attempts at intimidating me failed every time.

“My office. Now.” He said with a deep monotone voice as Trent was being helped to his feet down the hallway.

“I was actually thinking Dunkin Donuts, but okay. Sure.”

“Damon. Shut up. This is not the time for your snide remarks. Move it.” I stopped. I didn’t even blink as I made my way past Trent to Mr. Westwood’s office. I stared straight ahead and didn’t even turn my head to see the nurse help him back up.

Mr. Westwood went through the obligatory “violence is unacceptable” and “we will not tolerate this kind of behavior at our school” bullshit before suspending me from attending class for the rest of the week. At the moment I regretted nothing.

With the rest of the day off I decided to not think about what I had done or the fact that the entire school was more than likely thinking I was a flaming homosexual. I called Kelsey again.

“What?” she said with an impatient tone seeing as only about an hour had passed since I had called her last.

“Wake up. I’m coming over. We are getting breakfast, and I have a lot to tell you.” I said blankly, being that I was in mood for anyone else’s crabby attitude.

“Fine, but you’re buying…”

“Okay…I’ll be there in a few minutes, bye.”

I had something I needed to do, before I went over to see her. Not something I particularly wanted to do, but something that I couldn’t keep from doing…

Volume Ten.

I walked over to my bookshelf and picked up last year’s yearbook. The book was black and the front was nothing more than the word Lions in big gold print that rose above the rest of the hard back cover. I turned to the page 75. I never had to search for the page. I knew exactly which page it was. It was the page for my junior class. 

Being that I was a part of my school’s yearbook staff I had designed it the year before. There was one picture in particular that I placed on the page. It was of Trent and I at a track meet with several other of our team members. I just wanted to see his face that day. We were happy. Neither one of us had a care in the world.  At that moment I wish I could have gone back to junior year. Everything was perfect.

It was a windy day so everyone’s hair was wild, but Trent’s smile in the photo had me coming back to page 75 time and time again. I carried the book over to my bed. I opened my window blinds. It was too cold to open the window. I would freeze, but I looked out at the tree tops. They blew back and forth senselessly, compiling with the wind’s every demand. I looked back down at the picture of him. His stupid blond hair. His ugly blue eyes. I hated him. I never wanted to see him again.

I couldn’t believe he broke his promise. He swore he would never tell anyone. I trusted him. He might as well have spit right in my face.

I sat on my bed for awhile. I just started as the wind as it shook the bare limbs of the weary trees. They looked so fragile. They looked weak, yet despite the toll nature always took on them they came back. They came back every year; stronger.

I decided to take a long hot shower. I did this in hopes that I would be able to calm myself down. Showering usually gave me time to think. Time I could use to level my thoughts out and more clearly understand things. When I got in I never wanted to leave. It was like an escape from reality, a therapy for my mind.

 After, I drove down to my aunt and uncle’s house to pick up Kelsey. To the surprise of no one she was still in bed despite it being very near three in the afternoon by that point.

“Wake up, Kels.” I said as I nudged her shoulder.

“What did you bring me to eat?” She scowled in return.

“Nothing, but if you go to the mall with me, I’ll buy you lunch. It is like 3 in the afternoon already.”

“Fine.” She barked as she tossed the covers out of her way.

We had to drive to Saunter, a nearby city to visit the mall. At that point I didn’t want to be anywhere near town so this escape was perfect for me. After looking through some shops and buying a few things Kelsey and I found the food court.

Kelsey was a bigger girl. She made up for this by having a sense of style like no other. No one dared to ever, ever utter the word fat around Kelsey, because no one dressed better or looked better than she did. She was also not particularly tall, but she was no ugly duckling. She had confidence radiating from her despite the fact that she was no model. She was looking to make a living out of her talent with fashion. She wanted to be a designer or possibly a fashion consultant. She was patient, and very understanding.  She was also a huge blast to be around, but also painful awkward when it came to dealing with any measure of stress. To me she always had a very childlike and innocent look about her. We had been best friends since I was born. There was no one I could trust more than Kelsey which was why I was so happy she was down. It was perfect timing, after the only other person I trusted had turned out to be a total lair.

She began telling me about a boy she had been seeing. She even mentioned that they had moved in together, but she had not told her parents. Things went south between them when he started to come home drunk after work. I guess maybe things got a little violent and she eventually had to kick him out.

Despite not seeing Kelsey for months I was pleasantly surprised that she could still confide in me. I tried to give her some advice, told her she could do way better, but she insisted she was done dating until she was done with college…

“So, what about you? Did anything ever come from that one girl you were seeing?” She asked as she finished her rant about her dreadful ex-boyfriend.

“No…” I replied as I lowered my head, trying to divert the conversation from relationships. The girl she was referring to was a friend of mine. I told all my family we liked each other which was a lie.

“Oh I’m sorry. I was just curious. We don’t have to talk about it. You alright?”

“Kelsey I can still trust you, right?” I said as I finished my hamburger.

“Yeah, have I ever given you a reason not to?”

“No, this is why I’m telling you and only you…I don’t think I’m…100% straight.”

I don’t actually remember why I decided to tell her then and there. I was just so tired of having no one to talk to about it. When I use to be lonely as a child, Kelsey was always there for me, and at the age of 18 I needed her again.

She just looked at me, her head moved slightly to the left as if my words had physically hit her in the face. Her ear rings began to bob back and forth as her eyes moved all around processing what I said.

I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. I began to doubt my decision to tell her, but after what had happened earlier that day I was in such a “fuck it” type of a mood that my entire judgment was impaired.

“You don’t seem too happy about it.” She finally shot back.

“Well…I don’t fully understand it, Kels.”

“Maybe that comes with the territory. Does anyone else know?”

“Not exactly, Trent found out.”

“Oh…wow!” she replied.

“He promised he would keep it a secret. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Did he…keep his promise?” Kelsey asked as she checked the time on her cell phone.

“No.”

“Who did he tell?”

“Everyone at school knows now.” I said as I began to zone out.

“Shit. What did you do?”

“I punched him right in the nose which is why I’m out of school a week early for Winter break.”

“Oh my.” She said as she covered her mouth trying not to laugh.

My eyes began to water again as my lips started to quiver.

“Oh no. I’m sorry Damon; I’m not laughing at you.”

“I know...I trusted him. He lied to me; stupid bastard.”

“..You don’t love him, do you?” She said as she moved next to me and put her arm around me.

Kelsey had been around Trent and I as we grew up. The three of us frequently hung out together and she knew of our closeness.

“…I have no idea.”

“Damon, trust me, if someone doesn’t treat you right, you have to let them go. You have to cut them off no matter how hard it hurts. If not, you are just going to punish yourself.”

“I want ice cream. I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to see him again. I just want to die. Can we stay awhile longer?” I said as I wiped my eyes and turned to her.

“Sure. Let me throw away our trash and then we can shop more, YAY!”

I decided I wanted to buy some new clothes. Since I had my fashion guru with me I thought now would be a good time to let Kelsey play Barbie doll with me. The first place she dragged me to was a really expensive clothing store. She called it a “high-end” store, whatever the hell that means. This was not usually somewhere I would go. I was usually found in a band tee-shirt, blue jeans, and an old pair of converses. The clothes at the store she took me to were very preppy, and not my style, but I figured I would amuse Kels by trying some stuff on.

“How may I help you, today?” The store’s sales associate asked.

He was a very handsome guy with a very refined tone in his voice. He had short, spiked up, black hair. He was not fairly tall, but had the deepest brown eyes. They looked so warm.  A very soft face, with long dark eyelashes. It looked like he tanned as his skin was darker. His He was dressed very sharp, like a model. He wore tight low hanging blue jeans, with a lazy belt, and a white low cut tee-shirt. He looked very lean, but I doubt he had exercised a day in his life. His face was also very thin.

“Yes. Tell me what is on sale. Tell me what you just got in stock, and tell me what you sell the most of.”

That was Kelsey doing what she did best. Making demands, and getting things done. She worked in places like that, and knew how to find the best deal, and get the best clothing products. Not that I really cared. I was more or less just checking out the sales clerk anyways. He looked around him in a little confusion as I doubt he had dealt with many shoppers like Kelsey.

So she spent the next 5 minutes running around the store and grabbing things off the shelves without so much as a glance. She came back and handed me 6 different outfits.

“Kels…I can’t afford all of this.”

“Damon, you aren’t buying them all. I’m going to pick out which ones look best. Off you go.”

“15 years later, and you still just want to play dress up.”

“Yes, now shut up. I’m going to go look some more.” She said pointing to the dressing room area.

I entered the small, dingy dressing room.  I looked at all the stuff Kelsey had picked out. It all looked like stuff Trent might wear. I then started to look at the different outfits and imagined what he would look like in them. His bright tee-shirt, his baggy jeans, and old dingy baseball cap. I let out a sigh and stripped down to my underwear and began to take the first shirt Kels had picked out off it’s hanger when she knocked on the dressing room door.

I opened the door and decided it might be funny to give her a little show. So I opened the door in nothing but my light blue American Eagle underwear.

“What do you want Kel…”

It wasn’t until I had the door opened that I realized I was showing off to someone that was not my cousin.

“Shit.” I said as I covered myself and shut the door with furry.

“Umm…the bossy girl wanted me to give these to you to try on.” The cute sales associate said as he threw a grey v-neck sweater of the top of the door.

“Thanks buddy.” I said in utter embarrassment as I sat on the stool in the corner of the small room.

“Nice underwear, by the way…” He added as he walked away.

“I’m so glad I didn’t stay at home.” I said to myself sarcastically whilst pulling up a pair of skin colored dress pants.

“I thought you said that you were going to pick out stuff that was on sale.” I argued as we were on our drive home.

“Some of that was on sale.” She begged back as she turned down the music and flipped threw one of the stores catalogs.

“Yeah, well my $189.27 bill says otherwise. Do you know how long I have to work to make that back?”

“If you want to dress nice from time to time, you can’t be such a tight ass young-in. By the way, way to totally make yourself available to the kid working at the store. He said you flashed him.”

“Yeah…”

“So what are you going to turn into a big gay slut now? Be careful not every single guy you meet now is going to want you in bed. Remember, we live in Texas, Damon.” She joked.

“No, just because I want to start dressing nice like you do, doesn’t mean I want to adopt you nasty habits too.” I said back to her with the upmost gumption and confidence in my voice.

“You bitch.” She said as we both started laughing as I continued to drive us home.

Volume Eleven.

By the time I got home after dropping Kelsey off at her house the sun had gone down, and the brisk cool air, an air not native to the warm hills of Texas was used to, had rode in. I pulled into my drive way, parked my car, and took a moment to sit in silence and take in all that had happened that day. I let out a heavy sigh and forced myself out of the car with the loaded down bag of clothing Kelsey insisted that I needed to add to my “wardrobe.” 

I went in through the back door near our cluttered garage and the first thing I saw was my mother sitting at our kitchen table with the most irritated grimace and impatient posture I had seen out of her in a long time. I stood still in the doorway for a moment as my brain quickly connected the dots.

“Oh yeah.” I said to myself in my realization.

I smiled at her, showing my teeth and raising my eyebrows in a vain attempt to subdue the beast within her.

She smiled back sarcastically. “Hi.” She said blankly as the joyful air of anger swelled around her. Almost as if it was all she could do to contain herself from throwing the very chair she sat in at me.

“Just go ahead and be mad. I really don’t care.” I said as I began to slowly bob my way through the kitchen carrying my bag which seemed to slow me down more and more with each step. 

“Well I do!” She rose and made sure I would not retreat into my bedroom.

“You got into a fight? A week before Christmas break and you punched some poor kid? What happened?”

I turned around and drowsily pleaded for mercy. I kept visualizing my warm sheets, and the comfy padding of my mattress that would serve as sweet sanctuary from any sort of drama the day had conjured.

“Can we talk about it later? I’m exhausted.” I said as I put my hands together begging.

“No. I’ve been calling you all day. Where have you been? Why haven’t you answered your phone?” She asked as she gingerly pushed me away from the doorway that would have lead to my room.

“I forgot it.” I said as I looked down to examine what exactly was making my shopping bag so heavy hardly paying attention to her worries.

“I know.” She said as she handed it back to me with 12 missed calls all from “Mother.”

“Then why did you ask if you knew already?” I remarked.

“Where have you been?”

“Kels and I went to Saunter to do a little shopping. Get my mind off of everything that happened this morning, okay?” I admitted.

“Celebrating your delinquency?” 

“Yes. I think after break I’ll start selling drugs. No? Bad idea?” I retreated, and decided at that point that making a joke would have not got me to my bed faster.

“Not funny, Damon.”

“I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted. Can we please discuss it tomorrow?”

“Fine, but we aren’t finished with this, young man.” 

Nothing irritates me more when mothers address their children as a “young man” or a “young lady.” So smug.

I escaped the dragon’s lair and flopped down on my bed after setting $200 of my paycheck now in the form of trendy shirts and jeans on my couch. I deleted all my voicemails from the menopausal she-beast and made sure I had no other missed calls; I didn’t.

I then noticed a notification that said I had one text message. My mind began to swirl with anticipation as I went into my messages. It turned out to be simple washing and drying instructions for my new clothes from Kelsey. Not exactly what I wanted to see, but in all honesty at that point I’m not sure what I really wanted to find.

As I sat in the oasis of my bedroom my mind went back to what had happened earlier that day. I had hit my best friend. Everyone thinking I was gay. My mind strained for a way to get out of that. To avoid it. To lie. A lie is what I really needed. It hurt my head to ever think about how or why he would have told anyone after he swore to me he would never utter a word.

I sucked it up, and did what any person would do when faced with a messy situation, I dealt with it. The pain, the anxiety, and the adversity. It hurt, but as I laid there on the bed I realized I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. Accept the cards that I had in my hand and move on. Not long after I finally fell asleep to the sounds of winter swirling against my broad windows. I remember that vividly. The wind would ever so often crash violently into the panes of my window. The never ending day finally gave up and allowed me to forget about my problems, if only for a few precious hours.

The final week of school before break was spent taking on extra shifts at my job, a local grocery store, and bugging Kelsey while I could. It was a nice retreat. Knowing I should have been at school made me enjoy not having to think about the class work. I just tried to focus on everything but Trent. I especially enjoyed spending time with Kelsey, who knew my secret, which made our bonding even better. I could be completely honest with her without any worry.

Then it happened, I knew it would, I just was not sure when. After a week or so of solace, on the afternoon of what was supposed to be the beginning of my winter break, I got a text message just as I got done with my shift. I figured it was Kelsey who I was preparing to go eat lunch with.

It was from Trent. It simply said “I want to explain. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I made a mistake.” 

I didn’t respond. I had no idea what to say to him, had he said that to me in person I might have well punched him in the face again.

My curiosity as to what he wanted to say gave way. He then asked if I could meet him somewhere.

Unsure if I was making a mistake or not I messaged him back a very unenthusiastic “Where?”

I sent the message to him very late, and I did not get a reply all night. I waited and waited for my phone to buzz with an answer, but he had long since gone to bed I suppose. I awoke at around 5am the next morning to the sound of a message saying he wanted to meet at the town park in an hour.

This did not make me any more excited. Seeing Trent was bad enough, but in the sharp morning air? It took me several tries to force myself out of the warm fort of blankets and pillows I had fought so hard to get to the night before.

I got dressed. I made sure to wear my new clothes. I put on my snug faded jeans with a stylish rip in the lower left leg. I kept adjusting them to ensure my backside would look just right. I also wore the new charcoal grey v-neck, my trademark old basketball shoes, and a light white jacket to fight off the morning air.

I pulled up to the empty park and waited. I leaned against the hood of my car with my arms folded and with my hood up to protect my ears. I planned to not say a word until I had heard everything he wanted to say.

The roar of the wind blew off the hood of my jacket and I clinched my eyes and turned my head to the side to meet it. Maybe I should have sat in the car, but I wanted to look pissed as hell when he arrived.

He, as I thought, was not there. The drive into town slowed him down. After a few minutes his truck pulled up next to mine. 

He jumped out of his truck and walked over to me, but made sure a safe distance was kept. I stood my ground giving him nothing but a stern stare and cold eyes. The same eyes he had once given me.

The first thing I did was examine his nose from afar. I was hoping I had not changed it, or caused his face any lasting disfiguration.
He looked to still be in his pajamas.

As expected he just got out of bed, and wore nothing but a loose fitting old tee-shirt and his trademark messy blonde hair framed just above his steely blue eyes. Finally his sweat pants which were far too tight to be wearing to bed, but were fun to stare at. They were baggy around his thighs, Tight around his ankles, and erotically snug around his junk. Almost comically so. It still didn't deter my desires and selfish thoughts.

He gulped several times, and moved his jaw around as he searched for his words.

“Good morning.” He said as he glanced over at the rising sun.

“Hi.” I said as I squinted in the direction he looked over at. Arms still folded.

A short silence followed that so I decided to be straight forward.

“Go ahead and tell me what the hell happened. This is not me forgiving you. You made a promise to me. You broke it, and I’m pissed as Hell. But I do want to know what the fuck went on. So get on with it.”

“I screwed up, Damon. I’m sorry.” He stated as he looked down in sympathy, kicking around the gravel of the parking lot. 

I looked over with still no emotion. I was trying to figure out what made him go back on his promise to me after I had been nothing but good to him. It began to drizzle. A dim, low hanging cloud began to eclipse the morning light.

“Can’t we have one decent day of weather.” I said in a huff. I motioned over to my car for him to get in so we could finish.

“What happened, Trent? Why did you tell?”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Well you know what, Trent that doesn’t fucking help anything. I know it may not mean much to you, but that secret was important to me. I’m not ready for the whole school to know that. I’m not even sure I can handle knowing that. Why did you do that?”

“I was at a party. I got really wasted and some of the guys from the track team suggested I call you to come pick us up. When you didn’t pick up I must have said something about you. I don’t remember everything, but according to people who were sober, I started making jokes about you being gay. I know that I'm shit, and I know that is a really dumb explanation, but I was being dumb.”

I did not say anything. I just gripped my steering wheel tighter and turned on my windshield wipers to combat the dripping rain.

“Can you please forgive me?” He said as he rubbed his arms for warmth.

“No.” I said back not starting at him. I could feel his gaze, but the last thing I wanted to do was look at him.

“If it makes you feel any better I told as many people as I could that I lied. Now everyone thinks I got really wasted and told a bad joke. Now they’re all making fun of me for getting busted open in the hallway.” He said as he leaned against the window.

“I’m sorry I hit you. Even though I was perfectly right to do so.” I quickly added as I looked down at my lap.

“However, I still don’t think I can be your friend right now. I was there for you, Trent. I was there for you in the fucking hospital waiting room for hours. I went home with you, and I came to your mother’s funeral."

“So I’m supposed to owe you something now? Is that what this is about?” 

“No. No it isn’t. I’m just sick of being the good friend. It isn’t fair. I try to be there for you. I’ve never done wrong by you. You’re my best friend, you are not just another ‘bro’ and you’ve nearly screwed up our friendship forever. You sit there and act like you don’t even care. That is what is pissing me off.”

“I’m sorry, Damon. I am, I just…I don’t know what to do anymore to be honest. Lately, I’ve just spent my time drinking on the weekends with the guys and sitting at home alone. It seems like I can't make anything right anymore. Dad is never around. It’s been like this since mom…. Everything just feels pointless and I don’t feel anything. The only time I did was…”

I finally looked back at him. It was like seeing a snow leopard in the wild. He never used to be like that; emotional. He would have rather had his leg cut off than show any sort of vulnerability, but lately it seems every time I see him he hurts. 

"What is it?" I said.

"Nothing." Something seemed to haze over him at that moment, as if he lost all train of thought and focus.

"Yeah. I guess I'll go now." He said as he cracked open the car door trying to prompt me to say goodbye.

I looked over to him as he got out and I looked him in the eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. I still had a lot I wanted to say to him, but I felt like I had missed my moment. He was leaning over into the car. Looking right at me, with one arm on top of my car and the rest of his body seemingly waiting for something.

"Bye, Damon. I really screwed this up. I hope you forgive me, okay?" he said to me. Meeting my eyes like he had never before. Almost as if he looked right inside me. He said goodbye with a sweet innocence unlike any I had ever heard in his voice before.

I just stared at him, wanting to ask him to stay and forget about all of it, but I needed to let him leave. I didn't want to want him. 

He closed the car door and left me.

I got my answer. However, I felt like I lost a lot more than I gained that morning, and retreating back into my bed didn't seem to curve that lose...not on that day at least.