Volume Ten.

I walked over to my bookshelf and picked up last year’s yearbook. The book was black and the front was nothing more than the word Lions in big gold print that rose above the rest of the hard back cover. I turned to the page 75. I never had to search for the page. I knew exactly which page it was. It was the page for my junior class. 

Being that I was a part of my school’s yearbook staff I had designed it the year before. There was one picture in particular that I placed on the page. It was of Trent and I at a track meet with several other of our team members. I just wanted to see his face that day. We were happy. Neither one of us had a care in the world.  At that moment I wish I could have gone back to junior year. Everything was perfect.

It was a windy day so everyone’s hair was wild, but Trent’s smile in the photo had me coming back to page 75 time and time again. I carried the book over to my bed. I opened my window blinds. It was too cold to open the window. I would freeze, but I looked out at the tree tops. They blew back and forth senselessly, compiling with the wind’s every demand. I looked back down at the picture of him. His stupid blond hair. His ugly blue eyes. I hated him. I never wanted to see him again.

I couldn’t believe he broke his promise. He swore he would never tell anyone. I trusted him. He might as well have spit right in my face.

I sat on my bed for awhile. I just started as the wind as it shook the bare limbs of the weary trees. They looked so fragile. They looked weak, yet despite the toll nature always took on them they came back. They came back every year; stronger.

I decided to take a long hot shower. I did this in hopes that I would be able to calm myself down. Showering usually gave me time to think. Time I could use to level my thoughts out and more clearly understand things. When I got in I never wanted to leave. It was like an escape from reality, a therapy for my mind.

 After, I drove down to my aunt and uncle’s house to pick up Kelsey. To the surprise of no one she was still in bed despite it being very near three in the afternoon by that point.

“Wake up, Kels.” I said as I nudged her shoulder.

“What did you bring me to eat?” She scowled in return.

“Nothing, but if you go to the mall with me, I’ll buy you lunch. It is like 3 in the afternoon already.”

“Fine.” She barked as she tossed the covers out of her way.

We had to drive to Saunter, a nearby city to visit the mall. At that point I didn’t want to be anywhere near town so this escape was perfect for me. After looking through some shops and buying a few things Kelsey and I found the food court.

Kelsey was a bigger girl. She made up for this by having a sense of style like no other. No one dared to ever, ever utter the word fat around Kelsey, because no one dressed better or looked better than she did. She was also not particularly tall, but she was no ugly duckling. She had confidence radiating from her despite the fact that she was no model. She was looking to make a living out of her talent with fashion. She wanted to be a designer or possibly a fashion consultant. She was patient, and very understanding.  She was also a huge blast to be around, but also painful awkward when it came to dealing with any measure of stress. To me she always had a very childlike and innocent look about her. We had been best friends since I was born. There was no one I could trust more than Kelsey which was why I was so happy she was down. It was perfect timing, after the only other person I trusted had turned out to be a total lair.

She began telling me about a boy she had been seeing. She even mentioned that they had moved in together, but she had not told her parents. Things went south between them when he started to come home drunk after work. I guess maybe things got a little violent and she eventually had to kick him out.

Despite not seeing Kelsey for months I was pleasantly surprised that she could still confide in me. I tried to give her some advice, told her she could do way better, but she insisted she was done dating until she was done with college…

“So, what about you? Did anything ever come from that one girl you were seeing?” She asked as she finished her rant about her dreadful ex-boyfriend.

“No…” I replied as I lowered my head, trying to divert the conversation from relationships. The girl she was referring to was a friend of mine. I told all my family we liked each other which was a lie.

“Oh I’m sorry. I was just curious. We don’t have to talk about it. You alright?”

“Kelsey I can still trust you, right?” I said as I finished my hamburger.

“Yeah, have I ever given you a reason not to?”

“No, this is why I’m telling you and only you…I don’t think I’m…100% straight.”

I don’t actually remember why I decided to tell her then and there. I was just so tired of having no one to talk to about it. When I use to be lonely as a child, Kelsey was always there for me, and at the age of 18 I needed her again.

She just looked at me, her head moved slightly to the left as if my words had physically hit her in the face. Her ear rings began to bob back and forth as her eyes moved all around processing what I said.

I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. I began to doubt my decision to tell her, but after what had happened earlier that day I was in such a “fuck it” type of a mood that my entire judgment was impaired.

“You don’t seem too happy about it.” She finally shot back.

“Well…I don’t fully understand it, Kels.”

“Maybe that comes with the territory. Does anyone else know?”

“Not exactly, Trent found out.”

“Oh…wow!” she replied.

“He promised he would keep it a secret. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Did he…keep his promise?” Kelsey asked as she checked the time on her cell phone.

“No.”

“Who did he tell?”

“Everyone at school knows now.” I said as I began to zone out.

“Shit. What did you do?”

“I punched him right in the nose which is why I’m out of school a week early for Winter break.”

“Oh my.” She said as she covered her mouth trying not to laugh.

My eyes began to water again as my lips started to quiver.

“Oh no. I’m sorry Damon; I’m not laughing at you.”

“I know...I trusted him. He lied to me; stupid bastard.”

“..You don’t love him, do you?” She said as she moved next to me and put her arm around me.

Kelsey had been around Trent and I as we grew up. The three of us frequently hung out together and she knew of our closeness.

“…I have no idea.”

“Damon, trust me, if someone doesn’t treat you right, you have to let them go. You have to cut them off no matter how hard it hurts. If not, you are just going to punish yourself.”

“I want ice cream. I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to see him again. I just want to die. Can we stay awhile longer?” I said as I wiped my eyes and turned to her.

“Sure. Let me throw away our trash and then we can shop more, YAY!”

I decided I wanted to buy some new clothes. Since I had my fashion guru with me I thought now would be a good time to let Kelsey play Barbie doll with me. The first place she dragged me to was a really expensive clothing store. She called it a “high-end” store, whatever the hell that means. This was not usually somewhere I would go. I was usually found in a band tee-shirt, blue jeans, and an old pair of converses. The clothes at the store she took me to were very preppy, and not my style, but I figured I would amuse Kels by trying some stuff on.

“How may I help you, today?” The store’s sales associate asked.

He was a very handsome guy with a very refined tone in his voice. He had short, spiked up, black hair. He was not fairly tall, but had the deepest brown eyes. They looked so warm.  A very soft face, with long dark eyelashes. It looked like he tanned as his skin was darker. His He was dressed very sharp, like a model. He wore tight low hanging blue jeans, with a lazy belt, and a white low cut tee-shirt. He looked very lean, but I doubt he had exercised a day in his life. His face was also very thin.

“Yes. Tell me what is on sale. Tell me what you just got in stock, and tell me what you sell the most of.”

That was Kelsey doing what she did best. Making demands, and getting things done. She worked in places like that, and knew how to find the best deal, and get the best clothing products. Not that I really cared. I was more or less just checking out the sales clerk anyways. He looked around him in a little confusion as I doubt he had dealt with many shoppers like Kelsey.

So she spent the next 5 minutes running around the store and grabbing things off the shelves without so much as a glance. She came back and handed me 6 different outfits.

“Kels…I can’t afford all of this.”

“Damon, you aren’t buying them all. I’m going to pick out which ones look best. Off you go.”

“15 years later, and you still just want to play dress up.”

“Yes, now shut up. I’m going to go look some more.” She said pointing to the dressing room area.

I entered the small, dingy dressing room.  I looked at all the stuff Kelsey had picked out. It all looked like stuff Trent might wear. I then started to look at the different outfits and imagined what he would look like in them. His bright tee-shirt, his baggy jeans, and old dingy baseball cap. I let out a sigh and stripped down to my underwear and began to take the first shirt Kels had picked out off it’s hanger when she knocked on the dressing room door.

I opened the door and decided it might be funny to give her a little show. So I opened the door in nothing but my light blue American Eagle underwear.

“What do you want Kel…”

It wasn’t until I had the door opened that I realized I was showing off to someone that was not my cousin.

“Shit.” I said as I covered myself and shut the door with furry.

“Umm…the bossy girl wanted me to give these to you to try on.” The cute sales associate said as he threw a grey v-neck sweater of the top of the door.

“Thanks buddy.” I said in utter embarrassment as I sat on the stool in the corner of the small room.

“Nice underwear, by the way…” He added as he walked away.

“I’m so glad I didn’t stay at home.” I said to myself sarcastically whilst pulling up a pair of skin colored dress pants.

“I thought you said that you were going to pick out stuff that was on sale.” I argued as we were on our drive home.

“Some of that was on sale.” She begged back as she turned down the music and flipped threw one of the stores catalogs.

“Yeah, well my $189.27 bill says otherwise. Do you know how long I have to work to make that back?”

“If you want to dress nice from time to time, you can’t be such a tight ass young-in. By the way, way to totally make yourself available to the kid working at the store. He said you flashed him.”

“Yeah…”

“So what are you going to turn into a big gay slut now? Be careful not every single guy you meet now is going to want you in bed. Remember, we live in Texas, Damon.” She joked.

“No, just because I want to start dressing nice like you do, doesn’t mean I want to adopt you nasty habits too.” I said back to her with the upmost gumption and confidence in my voice.

“You bitch.” She said as we both started laughing as I continued to drive us home.