Volume Eleven.

By the time I got home after dropping Kelsey off at her house the sun had gone down, and the brisk cool air, an air not native to the warm hills of Texas was used to, had rode in. I pulled into my drive way, parked my car, and took a moment to sit in silence and take in all that had happened that day. I let out a heavy sigh and forced myself out of the car with the loaded down bag of clothing Kelsey insisted that I needed to add to my “wardrobe.” 

I went in through the back door near our cluttered garage and the first thing I saw was my mother sitting at our kitchen table with the most irritated grimace and impatient posture I had seen out of her in a long time. I stood still in the doorway for a moment as my brain quickly connected the dots.

“Oh yeah.” I said to myself in my realization.

I smiled at her, showing my teeth and raising my eyebrows in a vain attempt to subdue the beast within her.

She smiled back sarcastically. “Hi.” She said blankly as the joyful air of anger swelled around her. Almost as if it was all she could do to contain herself from throwing the very chair she sat in at me.

“Just go ahead and be mad. I really don’t care.” I said as I began to slowly bob my way through the kitchen carrying my bag which seemed to slow me down more and more with each step. 

“Well I do!” She rose and made sure I would not retreat into my bedroom.

“You got into a fight? A week before Christmas break and you punched some poor kid? What happened?”

I turned around and drowsily pleaded for mercy. I kept visualizing my warm sheets, and the comfy padding of my mattress that would serve as sweet sanctuary from any sort of drama the day had conjured.

“Can we talk about it later? I’m exhausted.” I said as I put my hands together begging.

“No. I’ve been calling you all day. Where have you been? Why haven’t you answered your phone?” She asked as she gingerly pushed me away from the doorway that would have lead to my room.

“I forgot it.” I said as I looked down to examine what exactly was making my shopping bag so heavy hardly paying attention to her worries.

“I know.” She said as she handed it back to me with 12 missed calls all from “Mother.”

“Then why did you ask if you knew already?” I remarked.

“Where have you been?”

“Kels and I went to Saunter to do a little shopping. Get my mind off of everything that happened this morning, okay?” I admitted.

“Celebrating your delinquency?” 

“Yes. I think after break I’ll start selling drugs. No? Bad idea?” I retreated, and decided at that point that making a joke would have not got me to my bed faster.

“Not funny, Damon.”

“I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted. Can we please discuss it tomorrow?”

“Fine, but we aren’t finished with this, young man.” 

Nothing irritates me more when mothers address their children as a “young man” or a “young lady.” So smug.

I escaped the dragon’s lair and flopped down on my bed after setting $200 of my paycheck now in the form of trendy shirts and jeans on my couch. I deleted all my voicemails from the menopausal she-beast and made sure I had no other missed calls; I didn’t.

I then noticed a notification that said I had one text message. My mind began to swirl with anticipation as I went into my messages. It turned out to be simple washing and drying instructions for my new clothes from Kelsey. Not exactly what I wanted to see, but in all honesty at that point I’m not sure what I really wanted to find.

As I sat in the oasis of my bedroom my mind went back to what had happened earlier that day. I had hit my best friend. Everyone thinking I was gay. My mind strained for a way to get out of that. To avoid it. To lie. A lie is what I really needed. It hurt my head to ever think about how or why he would have told anyone after he swore to me he would never utter a word.

I sucked it up, and did what any person would do when faced with a messy situation, I dealt with it. The pain, the anxiety, and the adversity. It hurt, but as I laid there on the bed I realized I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. Accept the cards that I had in my hand and move on. Not long after I finally fell asleep to the sounds of winter swirling against my broad windows. I remember that vividly. The wind would ever so often crash violently into the panes of my window. The never ending day finally gave up and allowed me to forget about my problems, if only for a few precious hours.

The final week of school before break was spent taking on extra shifts at my job, a local grocery store, and bugging Kelsey while I could. It was a nice retreat. Knowing I should have been at school made me enjoy not having to think about the class work. I just tried to focus on everything but Trent. I especially enjoyed spending time with Kelsey, who knew my secret, which made our bonding even better. I could be completely honest with her without any worry.

Then it happened, I knew it would, I just was not sure when. After a week or so of solace, on the afternoon of what was supposed to be the beginning of my winter break, I got a text message just as I got done with my shift. I figured it was Kelsey who I was preparing to go eat lunch with.

It was from Trent. It simply said “I want to explain. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I made a mistake.” 

I didn’t respond. I had no idea what to say to him, had he said that to me in person I might have well punched him in the face again.

My curiosity as to what he wanted to say gave way. He then asked if I could meet him somewhere.

Unsure if I was making a mistake or not I messaged him back a very unenthusiastic “Where?”

I sent the message to him very late, and I did not get a reply all night. I waited and waited for my phone to buzz with an answer, but he had long since gone to bed I suppose. I awoke at around 5am the next morning to the sound of a message saying he wanted to meet at the town park in an hour.

This did not make me any more excited. Seeing Trent was bad enough, but in the sharp morning air? It took me several tries to force myself out of the warm fort of blankets and pillows I had fought so hard to get to the night before.

I got dressed. I made sure to wear my new clothes. I put on my snug faded jeans with a stylish rip in the lower left leg. I kept adjusting them to ensure my backside would look just right. I also wore the new charcoal grey v-neck, my trademark old basketball shoes, and a light white jacket to fight off the morning air.

I pulled up to the empty park and waited. I leaned against the hood of my car with my arms folded and with my hood up to protect my ears. I planned to not say a word until I had heard everything he wanted to say.

The roar of the wind blew off the hood of my jacket and I clinched my eyes and turned my head to the side to meet it. Maybe I should have sat in the car, but I wanted to look pissed as hell when he arrived.

He, as I thought, was not there. The drive into town slowed him down. After a few minutes his truck pulled up next to mine. 

He jumped out of his truck and walked over to me, but made sure a safe distance was kept. I stood my ground giving him nothing but a stern stare and cold eyes. The same eyes he had once given me.

The first thing I did was examine his nose from afar. I was hoping I had not changed it, or caused his face any lasting disfiguration.
He looked to still be in his pajamas.

As expected he just got out of bed, and wore nothing but a loose fitting old tee-shirt and his trademark messy blonde hair framed just above his steely blue eyes. Finally his sweat pants which were far too tight to be wearing to bed, but were fun to stare at. They were baggy around his thighs, Tight around his ankles, and erotically snug around his junk. Almost comically so. It still didn't deter my desires and selfish thoughts.

He gulped several times, and moved his jaw around as he searched for his words.

“Good morning.” He said as he glanced over at the rising sun.

“Hi.” I said as I squinted in the direction he looked over at. Arms still folded.

A short silence followed that so I decided to be straight forward.

“Go ahead and tell me what the hell happened. This is not me forgiving you. You made a promise to me. You broke it, and I’m pissed as Hell. But I do want to know what the fuck went on. So get on with it.”

“I screwed up, Damon. I’m sorry.” He stated as he looked down in sympathy, kicking around the gravel of the parking lot. 

I looked over with still no emotion. I was trying to figure out what made him go back on his promise to me after I had been nothing but good to him. It began to drizzle. A dim, low hanging cloud began to eclipse the morning light.

“Can’t we have one decent day of weather.” I said in a huff. I motioned over to my car for him to get in so we could finish.

“What happened, Trent? Why did you tell?”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Well you know what, Trent that doesn’t fucking help anything. I know it may not mean much to you, but that secret was important to me. I’m not ready for the whole school to know that. I’m not even sure I can handle knowing that. Why did you do that?”

“I was at a party. I got really wasted and some of the guys from the track team suggested I call you to come pick us up. When you didn’t pick up I must have said something about you. I don’t remember everything, but according to people who were sober, I started making jokes about you being gay. I know that I'm shit, and I know that is a really dumb explanation, but I was being dumb.”

I did not say anything. I just gripped my steering wheel tighter and turned on my windshield wipers to combat the dripping rain.

“Can you please forgive me?” He said as he rubbed his arms for warmth.

“No.” I said back not starting at him. I could feel his gaze, but the last thing I wanted to do was look at him.

“If it makes you feel any better I told as many people as I could that I lied. Now everyone thinks I got really wasted and told a bad joke. Now they’re all making fun of me for getting busted open in the hallway.” He said as he leaned against the window.

“I’m sorry I hit you. Even though I was perfectly right to do so.” I quickly added as I looked down at my lap.

“However, I still don’t think I can be your friend right now. I was there for you, Trent. I was there for you in the fucking hospital waiting room for hours. I went home with you, and I came to your mother’s funeral."

“So I’m supposed to owe you something now? Is that what this is about?” 

“No. No it isn’t. I’m just sick of being the good friend. It isn’t fair. I try to be there for you. I’ve never done wrong by you. You’re my best friend, you are not just another ‘bro’ and you’ve nearly screwed up our friendship forever. You sit there and act like you don’t even care. That is what is pissing me off.”

“I’m sorry, Damon. I am, I just…I don’t know what to do anymore to be honest. Lately, I’ve just spent my time drinking on the weekends with the guys and sitting at home alone. It seems like I can't make anything right anymore. Dad is never around. It’s been like this since mom…. Everything just feels pointless and I don’t feel anything. The only time I did was…”

I finally looked back at him. It was like seeing a snow leopard in the wild. He never used to be like that; emotional. He would have rather had his leg cut off than show any sort of vulnerability, but lately it seems every time I see him he hurts. 

"What is it?" I said.

"Nothing." Something seemed to haze over him at that moment, as if he lost all train of thought and focus.

"Yeah. I guess I'll go now." He said as he cracked open the car door trying to prompt me to say goodbye.

I looked over to him as he got out and I looked him in the eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. I still had a lot I wanted to say to him, but I felt like I had missed my moment. He was leaning over into the car. Looking right at me, with one arm on top of my car and the rest of his body seemingly waiting for something.

"Bye, Damon. I really screwed this up. I hope you forgive me, okay?" he said to me. Meeting my eyes like he had never before. Almost as if he looked right inside me. He said goodbye with a sweet innocence unlike any I had ever heard in his voice before.

I just stared at him, wanting to ask him to stay and forget about all of it, but I needed to let him leave. I didn't want to want him. 

He closed the car door and left me.

I got my answer. However, I felt like I lost a lot more than I gained that morning, and retreating back into my bed didn't seem to curve that lose...not on that day at least.