My name is Damon and I have a story that I really want to tell someone, or anyone for that matter, but the problem is that I am not sure how to tell it to you without you getting upset at me. So even though you will be screaming at me later I’ll tell you my story…but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
It was one of those Fridays. I loved those kinds of Fridays more than any other; those that smelt like freedom when you walked outside and took a deep breath of fresh air. That particular day was the sort of Friday that you could only find in Texas in the late fall. I was a senior in high school, so I got out early and got to enjoy the early afternoon weather. Nothing made me more excited about the weekend than coming home and being able to lift every window in my room and turning on some great music and just playing with my guitar.
I would always expect someone to come over though. That was just the way my house worked. On Friday’s everyone came over after we got out early, all of us seniors anyway. However, that time it was a little different. It had been an hour since most of my friends had been let out of school and still no one had come rushing through my front door (which was in my room oddly enough). My old bedroom was more or less an apartment or at least I liked to pretend it was.
My room was the front room in our house where our front door was, but almost everyone we knew went to the side door in our kitchen so I got the front door all to myself. I also had a couch, a coffee table, a television, my laptop, work desk, and an entertainment center full of videos games and movies so the only reason I would leave is to go to the restroom, visit with my parents, or eat.
As I sat there strumming away at my guitar I noticed a familiar sound through my raised windows. It was fairly far off, but I knew what it was or rather, who it was.
Trent.
Trent and I had been friends for years. I had, like most teenagers, an inner circle of friends that I had always been around. Trent had been at the center of it all forever. He was my oldest childhood friend. We could finish each other’s sentences, thought, and felt the same way about so much. We had the same taste in movies, music, games, and our opinions were always similar it seemed like. Although we could debate back and forth like nobodie's business.
I suppose this is the part where I have to come clean and admit to you that I am, not exactly heterosexual. I was 18 at this time and still very confused about my own sexuality. I considered myself a closeted bisexual, but really I didn’t have any idea at the time what I was.
For the longest time though, I had been harboring romantic and somewhat sexual feelings for my best friend. I knew this to be a common occurrence in young boys who have an interest in the same sex, but it didn’t help that my best friend also happened to be the hottest guy I had ever seen in my entire life.
“Where is everybody? I thought everyone was getting together to play games here?” he asked as the screen door slammed behind him with anxious fury.
Trent was 18, same as I, and stood about 6 feet even. He was a tad bit shorter than I was. I had no idea what he weighed as I never made it a point to ask or observe him while he stood on a scale, but I would say he was around 170 or 180. He was somewhat more muscular than I was. He had sandy blond hair that hung just above the deepest blue eyes I have ever seen. Trent was very fit, slender, but muscular. I knew this because he loved to wear tight clothes. It looked like he had a really shallow girlfriend shop for him. He had a natural tan, from football, and the whitest teeth I had ever seen on a straight guy. He might not have stuck out in a crowd of in-shape football players, but to me he was the most handsome guy I had ever seen.
That day, he wore tight worn our jeans with holes on either side of the legs. A leather belt that was way too long for him and hugged his hips VERY tightly and a shirt from Aeropostile that as you might imagine he looked amazing in. He usually sported a worn out baseball hat, but on that day oddly, it was absent from his head thus he was forced to sport his child-like uncombed messy hair.
He looked adorable.
“I don’t know, bro. It looks like it is just me and you today. It sounds like they decided to party without us,” I said back with my forced laid back laziness as I contiued to strum my guitar.
“Hey do you mind if I play some Super Mario? I really want to get to World 7?”
“Yeah sure go ahead. I’m just going to sit here and play around online and try and figure out this song on the guitar,” I lied.
What I really wanted to do was admire him, something I did often when he was around. I loved looking at him. He sat on the coffee table in front of the couch so he could be closer to my TV. The coffee table was actually an old piano bench so really it didn’t bother me.
As he sat there waiting for my Nintendo to turn on my eyes made my way down his slender, seemingly carved out of stone, back. At one point his light blue Aeropostile shirt ended and what it revealed was his lower tanned, toned backside. His lower back gave way to the slightest glimpse of his shy little butt crack which seemed to be as tanned and toned as the rest of him.
I accidentally lost control of my fingers and ended up nearly dropping my guitar.
“Damn it. I hate this level,” he said as I jumped thinking he had caught me checking him out.
He said some things after that, but all I could focus on was his lower back and the adorable dimple that I noticed above the escaping glimpse of his upper butt. It was almost as if his ass was trying to escape from his skin right jeans. I had no problem with that myself.
I was one to talk about things trying to escape from someone’s pants though.
As I continued to gawk at his beautiful backside I felt my dick become very stiff. Trent had that sort of effect on me, I’m afraid. He was just so beautiful to me. I always found myself staring into his deep blue eyes when he was not looking. His smile truly lit up my heart, but I knew I couldn’t act on my feelings.
It was simple lust after all, or at least that is what I thought. Either way I needed to relieve my lust before I ran over and threw myself on top of him and messed my pants.
I slipped out of my room to go to the bathroom without disturbing him. I wanted to beat off to him while the image of his butt was still fresh in my mind. I didn’t want to miss this.
As I entered the bathroom I passed my huge mirror that hung above the sink. I caught a glimpse of myself.
I was pretty decent looking I thought. I got plenty of looks from girls at school; at least I thought I did. All the girls there sucked. There were a few I would have loved to fuck and a few I would have loved to be in a relationship with, but a majority of them were a waste of space. Most of them found me odd either way.
As I said earlier I was slightly above 6 feet tall and weighed around 150 or 160. I had dark brown hair which was considerably long considering I was a guy. It didn’t touch my shoulders, but I had bangs that I had to constantly brush to the side. I was once accused of trying to be Justin Bieber because of my bangs.
I aslo had very bright green eyes that were set off by my dark hair. I would constantly get compliments from girls about how beautiful my eyes were. I was in good shape also. I had some muscle on me, but not anything like Trent. I also got several strange compliments from girls saying I had a cute nose. Those threw me for a loop to be honest.
I sat down against my bath tub and undid my jeans. Every moment I tried and focus my mind on Trent’s butt. I imagined it to be very tan as I knew for a fact Trent almost never wore underwear. I pictured his ass as being very narrow with only traces of hair that would be revealed when you spread his checks. People also teased him because he had a bubble butt and that was VERY true. I imagined what it would be like to squeeze his butt cheeks and run my moist tongue into his warm and sweaty crack as he moaned my name under his breath, “Damon....”
While thinking about him bent over with his sweet ass in my grasp, I pulled out my cock. I had not even touched it and I was already fully erect.
It began to pulsate as I wrapped my fingers around it to begin. Almost as if it had its very own heartbeat...
Volume Two.
If I remember right, the bathroom window was open. I always loved the fall in Texas.
The breeze that you could feel during the fall there was just awe inspiring. It made you wonder why anyone would ever want to be anywhere else. I could hear its whistle as it made its way into my small bathroom. It created a surreal and calming environment for me.
“Oh...” I snarled as I began what I knew would be one of my best “Bathroom Sessions” ever.
As I stroked my blood filled erection between my legs I heard the television still. At this point the top of my penis was so engorged with blood that it had turned a deep purple in response to my thunderous stroking. Trent was still playing his game with no idea. I kept picturing him staring right at me with his blue eyes with more depth than one’s entire soul. I pictured him holding me tight as he kissed my check and I wrapped my arms around him.
I then moved my arms lower. Until his beautifully shaped butt was in my hands. It was Nirvana; my Nirvana. It was the place of my dreams; his arms. The place that was so unreachable that it might as well have been the closest thing to me. It was.
He kissed my lips and that was all it took after everything else I thought of. I was right. It was most I had came in a very long time. The floor in front of me resembled how it looked that time I spilled shampoo everywhere as my friend Brandon and I had been fighting over who got to use the bathroom first.
I remained leaned against the bathtub and I continued to listen to the wind. The way it made the curtain sway was truly hypnotizing. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back as far as I could. I got lost in my hypnotic, calming state. Nothing else in the World was present in my mind. I was truly entranced after blowing my load. Then I began to run my hand down my legs ever so slowly----
“What the fuck!” a voice from the now opened door screamed in disgust.
“Trent! Holy shit! I forgot-I mean-I didn’t…” The bathroom door slammed and I heard his pace quicken. I pulled my pants up and ran out the door as fast as I could force my feet to go in that situation.
“Trent. What the heck dude? Don’t you know how to knock?” I said defensively and rightfully so as he opened the door to his truck.
“You were jacking off in your bathroom, Damon, while I was in your bedroom. What in the Hell is wrong with you?”
“It was just I-It was just –you.” I said. I had uttered ‘you’ before I even realized the gravity of using that subtle little word.
“Damn it!” I said to myself.
I looked at him for a moment during my pause. I looked into his eyes and he looked back into mine. I feared it would be the last time. I couldn't think of anything more to say – anything that would make any kind of sense at least. So I just walked off without uttering another word hoping to minimize the damage already done. Maybe he didn’t recognize I had said that ‘you’ or maybe he did and wouldn’t think anything of it as I did.
He drove off as I made my way back into my house.
“Bye.” I said more to myself than him.
I could still feel my penis throbbing in my pants, as did my heart in my chest. I peeked into my underwear and as I expected I had made a mess. Funny, because that was the problem I was trying to avoid in the first place. I cleaned the mess in the bathroom, as well in my pants, and got back to strumming my guitar and observing the breeze do battle with my room’s curtains.
They both put up a good fight.
I remained calm in my solidarity, as I often did. It was fake. I was dying on the inside. I don't know why I tried to hide it when I was alone. I couldn’t lie to myself, but that never stopped me from trying.
I went to sleep with so much anxiety. What if Trent spilt what I did in the bathroom when we went back to school on Monday? What if everyone called me a pervert? Or worse, what if he figured out who I was fantasizing about as I masturbated? He wasn’t dumb. He could put two and two together as easily as the next guy.
That would have been the end for me. That thought haunted me all night. There would have been no fighting back from me. I wouldn’t do battle. I couldn't anyway.
I wouldn’t have withstood the humiliation or the depression that would be bound to follow. If that would have come to pass I would have ran and hid until I didn’t even know who I was.
Not that I really knew who I was anyway...I was a sorry excuse for a man sometimes; A man who couldn’t even remember to lock a door when his dick got hard.
I remember just wanting to fall asleep and never waking up again.
After hours of tossing and turning my mind ceased its onslaught of furious thoughts and gave me peace at long last, but only for the time being.
I had forty-eight hours to fix everything. Or else I would be ruined...
The breeze that you could feel during the fall there was just awe inspiring. It made you wonder why anyone would ever want to be anywhere else. I could hear its whistle as it made its way into my small bathroom. It created a surreal and calming environment for me.
“Oh...” I snarled as I began what I knew would be one of my best “Bathroom Sessions” ever.
As I stroked my blood filled erection between my legs I heard the television still. At this point the top of my penis was so engorged with blood that it had turned a deep purple in response to my thunderous stroking. Trent was still playing his game with no idea. I kept picturing him staring right at me with his blue eyes with more depth than one’s entire soul. I pictured him holding me tight as he kissed my check and I wrapped my arms around him.
I then moved my arms lower. Until his beautifully shaped butt was in my hands. It was Nirvana; my Nirvana. It was the place of my dreams; his arms. The place that was so unreachable that it might as well have been the closest thing to me. It was.
He kissed my lips and that was all it took after everything else I thought of. I was right. It was most I had came in a very long time. The floor in front of me resembled how it looked that time I spilled shampoo everywhere as my friend Brandon and I had been fighting over who got to use the bathroom first.
I remained leaned against the bathtub and I continued to listen to the wind. The way it made the curtain sway was truly hypnotizing. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back as far as I could. I got lost in my hypnotic, calming state. Nothing else in the World was present in my mind. I was truly entranced after blowing my load. Then I began to run my hand down my legs ever so slowly----
“What the fuck!” a voice from the now opened door screamed in disgust.
“Trent! Holy shit! I forgot-I mean-I didn’t…” The bathroom door slammed and I heard his pace quicken. I pulled my pants up and ran out the door as fast as I could force my feet to go in that situation.
“Trent. What the heck dude? Don’t you know how to knock?” I said defensively and rightfully so as he opened the door to his truck.
“You were jacking off in your bathroom, Damon, while I was in your bedroom. What in the Hell is wrong with you?”
“It was just I-It was just –you.” I said. I had uttered ‘you’ before I even realized the gravity of using that subtle little word.
“Damn it!” I said to myself.
I looked at him for a moment during my pause. I looked into his eyes and he looked back into mine. I feared it would be the last time. I couldn't think of anything more to say – anything that would make any kind of sense at least. So I just walked off without uttering another word hoping to minimize the damage already done. Maybe he didn’t recognize I had said that ‘you’ or maybe he did and wouldn’t think anything of it as I did.
He drove off as I made my way back into my house.
“Bye.” I said more to myself than him.
I could still feel my penis throbbing in my pants, as did my heart in my chest. I peeked into my underwear and as I expected I had made a mess. Funny, because that was the problem I was trying to avoid in the first place. I cleaned the mess in the bathroom, as well in my pants, and got back to strumming my guitar and observing the breeze do battle with my room’s curtains.
They both put up a good fight.
I remained calm in my solidarity, as I often did. It was fake. I was dying on the inside. I don't know why I tried to hide it when I was alone. I couldn’t lie to myself, but that never stopped me from trying.
I went to sleep with so much anxiety. What if Trent spilt what I did in the bathroom when we went back to school on Monday? What if everyone called me a pervert? Or worse, what if he figured out who I was fantasizing about as I masturbated? He wasn’t dumb. He could put two and two together as easily as the next guy.
That would have been the end for me. That thought haunted me all night. There would have been no fighting back from me. I wouldn’t do battle. I couldn't anyway.
I wouldn’t have withstood the humiliation or the depression that would be bound to follow. If that would have come to pass I would have ran and hid until I didn’t even know who I was.
Not that I really knew who I was anyway...I was a sorry excuse for a man sometimes; A man who couldn’t even remember to lock a door when his dick got hard.
I remember just wanting to fall asleep and never waking up again.
After hours of tossing and turning my mind ceased its onslaught of furious thoughts and gave me peace at long last, but only for the time being.
I had forty-eight hours to fix everything. Or else I would be ruined...
Volume Three.
I awoke with the curtain teasingly tickling my nose. The sun had found my eyes and it was time to start the day. I’m sure it was going to be an interesting one. I had barely raised my head and I already knew what kind of Saturday it was. It was one of those Saturdays that actually felt like a Sunday. One of those were you had no desire to do anything worthwhile. I just wanted to sit and ponder the past week and anticipate the next one. I stretched my arms out as far as I could as if I was about to hug a bear. As I stretched the kinks and knots out of my body I let out a somber yawn. I had a wide mouth. It almost hurt to yawn sometimes.
“Good morning. It is awfully early for you to be up on a Saturday.”
That was my mother. She was your typical cynical workaholic with an addiction to cigarettes and caffeine; coffee in particular. I loved her either way. She kept me in line and made sure all my shit was in order when I was lagging behind. She truly was my rock.
I favored both of my parents, but most people told me I looked more like my mother. Although, I think they got that from the fact that I sported a longer haircut. She was tall for a woman her age. She was around 50 around this time. She never really disclosed her age to me, but my parents had me late in life.
“What’s to eat” I let out with a low grumble.
“Are you hungry? Maybe there is something in the kitchen, but your Dad and I are going fishing with your Uncle today. Are you going?”
My Dad went fishing the first weekend of every month with my uncle, Jed. A hapless loser, Jed had no wife and more kids than any of his other brothers. My dad was his only amusement. I felt sorry for my mom. She was going to regret going, but I wasn’t going to talk her out of it. I really wanted to have the house to myself that day.
“No. I have plans.” I said.
“What are you going to do?” My dad butted in with his tackle box in one hand and his hat in another.
My dad really did resemble an older version of me with glasses, a mustache, and much shorter hair. I saw a baby photo of my father once and thought it was me. He was shorter than I was by this point, and had a beer belly that Samuel Adams would have been proud of. All of my friends thought he was hilarious. That he was. My dad was around the age of 60. He was about 40 when I was born.
“I don’t know yet. I’ll be sure to let you know, old man.”
“Are you taking that Callie girl out again?” He asked as his eyebrows twitched over his forehead.
“I doubt it. She was a sleaze,” I told him.
I was not what you would have called a “Heart Throb” at my school and I was never that interested in dating girls as I never thought any of them were interested in me anyways. I think my lack of dating worried my parents so they continually tried to push me to date any girl I brought around.
“Well we’re gone. Call me if you need us. Money is on the table.”
“Bye,” I said back as they exited the doorway.
I scrambled to find my underwear, but in my effort I decided it wasn’t worth the trouble and returned the back of my head to my pillow. While doing so I began to rub on my other head. My morning wood had decided to make itself known. I began to move my hand up and down slowly as I stretched out my free arm and turned my head into my arm pit.
I spread open my legs, flexed my butt, and slowly lifted my mid-section into the air as I stretched my body. I let out a sigh, a moan of relief as I began stroking my warm erection. I was so relaxed. I lost the will a moment after that. I didn’t think I would ever beat off again. Not after what had happened the day before.
I supposed I had to formulate a plan. What could I say to Trent? I decided to just get dressed and go out and talk to him before this situation got too big and scary to deal with in my own head.
Trent lived outside of town which was kind of nice. The drive allowed me a view of the country and with my music turned up as loud as possible and all my windows down I could just get lost in it all before confronting Trent about walking in on me.
I walked in the front door without knocking. Trent and I we’re close enough that this was considered okay by him and his family. He did this at my house also as you could tell.
“Hey Damon!” Yelled Trent’s mom.
“Good morning, Mrs. Kiedis,” I replied. She must have seen me drive up because I couldn’t see her. I only heard her.
“Trent’s upstairs in his room. You might have to wake him up. Hungry?”
“No ma’am. Thank you though.” How could anyone eat at a time like this?
Mrs. Kiedis was about the nicest lady I had ever met. She had blonde hair and steel blue eyes, which Trent inherited. She was a thin woman in her late 30s and stayed at home. Trent was her only child, although her husband, Trent’s dad, had children from a previous marriage. She truly put her family first and was just a remarkable lady.
I walked up the stairs after trading an informal conversation with Trent’s mom. I took my sweet time as I carefully planned my opening lines to him. I opened his bedroom door to find him sitting on his bed reading.
He looked up at me and our eyes met again. I kept waiting for him to yell at me or push me out the door, but nothing. He brushed his blond bangs out of his eyes and looked back down at his book.
I didn’t want to, but I spoke first, but it seemed like I had dropped every word that I brought with me down the stairs.
“Hey,” I said as I gingerly made my way towards his computer chair.
“Hi.” He said back sharply.
I cut right to the chase. I knew we wouldn’t be able to just ignore this and move on so I began…
“I’m sorry Trent.”
He closed his book in frustration of having to deal with this problem again and spun his head towards my direction.
“I’m really sorry. It was a dumb mistake.”
“I’m not mad that you were jacking off, Damon.”
“Then why the hell did you run off like that?”
“I was mad because you were jacking off while I was at your house. Why did you do that?”
I was becoming very nervous by this point. I could only look at my feet in front of me as he said this.
“….I don’t know Trent. I just had the urge to.” I said as I began to feel myself getting very tense. It didn't help that his room was hot as hell and I could feel my forehead becoming very sweaty.
“What gave you the urge to? Either way I’m not mad about it anymore. I’m just trying to figure out why you did it while I was there and why the door to your bathroom was unlocked…”
“I don’t know what you’re getting at Trent, but I think you have been reading way too many unsolved mystery books. You always dig way too far into stuff. You, as usual, reached the wrong conclusion. I was just horny and decided I wanted to. There is nothing weird going on. Chill.”
I was so full of shit. He had it all figured out. He had me nailed...
“You’re so full of shit Damon. I know what is going on and I have for a while. You think I can’t figure out my best friend?”
He moved off of his bed and I stood up as he did, out of anxiety. He faced me and got almost as close as he could to me. I backed up but my calves ran into the chair behind me and I was forced to stare face to face with him. I could feel him exhaling through his nostrils on my neck. I could smell his cologne as he looked me right in the eyes. It was so intense, the stare, that I was forced to break eye contact.
“You want to fuck me don’t you?” He asked with his cute smile. “You little faggot,” He said as he grinned and let out a low laugh.
I don't know why he smiled. I didn't think this was funny.
“You’re an idiot Trent. You have no idea what you’re talking about anymore. I just needed to blow a load. That was all it was. You are reading too much into it. Anyone could have been there. It didn't matter who. Stop freaking out.”
"You're the one who is freaking out, not me." He said as he folded his arms.
This was not going the way I wanted.
I knew he was about as smart and crafty as I was. I don’t know why I was under the impression that he was dumb enough to buy my excuses. Why did I try to outsmart him? He saw straight through me that time. I had to get out before he nailed me. I pushed past him and as I got to his bedroom door he said something that forced me to stop dead in my shoes. I’ll never forget what he said.
All that time I thought I had played it so smooth with him but…
“Look whose leaving now," He said with sarcasm in his tone. "You think I don’t see the way you stare at me, Damon, but I do. I’ve noticed. I know how you look at me and now I’m calling you on it and you don’t even have the balls to admit it. You’re not as sneaky as you think you are. I see you check me out. Do you think I’m blind? Do you think I'm stupid?”
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted so bad to just keep walking and leave, but instead I slowly shut his bedroom door and gave him an expressionless glance. Then I spun around as fast as I could and leaped on him taking him down to the floor like a leopard would leap on its escaping prey. I had lost it by this point.
“Damn it Damon! That hurts. What the fuck are you doing?” He said moments after I had taken him down.
“Listen to me Trent,” I whispered with a silent anger in my voice.
“What are you doing Damon?” Trent pleaded.
“If you as so much as utter a word of what you just said to me to anyone else I will spill every secret you have ever told me. I will tell Coach Lucas about the time you pissed in his water bottle. I might even tell your mom how that huge dent came to be on her car. If you say anything I will be sure to you with me. I refuse to be FUCKING out-ted like this. Not by my best friend, damn it. Do you understand? This wasn’t supposed to fucking happen!"
My hand covered his mouth to keep him from screaming. I could feel his chest moving up and down rapidly as it rubbed against either side of my thighs. He was scared too. He started to breathe harder and I could see sweat on his forehead as well. I slowly moved my hands off his mouth.
"You have to promise," I said as tears began to form in my eyes while still sitting on top of him.
I wanted so bad to not do that in front of him, but it was all too much. I was not ready for anyone, especially him, to know that I was not completly hetro. It was my darkest secret and that was my worst nightmare.
“Damon, I wouldn’t do that to you," He began as he tried to catch his breath. "We’ve been best friends for as long as I can remember.”
I sighed with relief, but I was still weary. I stood up without saying a word and offered my hand to help him up and he accepted. He locked eyes with me once again.
“I…”
“Trent! Breakfast is ready!” His mother yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
“...I’ll be right back,” He said.
He ate and we played some video games for a while and then met up with some other guys and hung out at a local game store and we all talked about the Rangers game. That was a typical Saturday for us.
I wasn’t very interested that day, not after what had just taken place. I just kept trying my best to act normal around Trent and not “check him out” anymore. I managed to act normal I think, but he acted very distant for the rest of the day and he didn’t say a word to me as I drove him back to his house.
I stopped the car and he got out as fast as he could.
He yelled, “Bye!” as he slammed my car door shut with anxious vigor behind his silhouette.
From the angle I was looking at him it appeared as if he was walking directly into the setting sun. He was nothing but a lonely black, blank figure disappearing in the distance. It was beautiful and one of the most tragic looking images I had ever seen.
How could we be friends now that he knew? I could have denied the fact, but Trent knew when I was lying. He always could tell.
It now seemed like our friendship was over. What do I do?
“Good morning. It is awfully early for you to be up on a Saturday.”
That was my mother. She was your typical cynical workaholic with an addiction to cigarettes and caffeine; coffee in particular. I loved her either way. She kept me in line and made sure all my shit was in order when I was lagging behind. She truly was my rock.
I favored both of my parents, but most people told me I looked more like my mother. Although, I think they got that from the fact that I sported a longer haircut. She was tall for a woman her age. She was around 50 around this time. She never really disclosed her age to me, but my parents had me late in life.
“What’s to eat” I let out with a low grumble.
“Are you hungry? Maybe there is something in the kitchen, but your Dad and I are going fishing with your Uncle today. Are you going?”
My Dad went fishing the first weekend of every month with my uncle, Jed. A hapless loser, Jed had no wife and more kids than any of his other brothers. My dad was his only amusement. I felt sorry for my mom. She was going to regret going, but I wasn’t going to talk her out of it. I really wanted to have the house to myself that day.
“No. I have plans.” I said.
“What are you going to do?” My dad butted in with his tackle box in one hand and his hat in another.
My dad really did resemble an older version of me with glasses, a mustache, and much shorter hair. I saw a baby photo of my father once and thought it was me. He was shorter than I was by this point, and had a beer belly that Samuel Adams would have been proud of. All of my friends thought he was hilarious. That he was. My dad was around the age of 60. He was about 40 when I was born.
“I don’t know yet. I’ll be sure to let you know, old man.”
“Are you taking that Callie girl out again?” He asked as his eyebrows twitched over his forehead.
“I doubt it. She was a sleaze,” I told him.
I was not what you would have called a “Heart Throb” at my school and I was never that interested in dating girls as I never thought any of them were interested in me anyways. I think my lack of dating worried my parents so they continually tried to push me to date any girl I brought around.
“Well we’re gone. Call me if you need us. Money is on the table.”
“Bye,” I said back as they exited the doorway.
I scrambled to find my underwear, but in my effort I decided it wasn’t worth the trouble and returned the back of my head to my pillow. While doing so I began to rub on my other head. My morning wood had decided to make itself known. I began to move my hand up and down slowly as I stretched out my free arm and turned my head into my arm pit.
I spread open my legs, flexed my butt, and slowly lifted my mid-section into the air as I stretched my body. I let out a sigh, a moan of relief as I began stroking my warm erection. I was so relaxed. I lost the will a moment after that. I didn’t think I would ever beat off again. Not after what had happened the day before.
I supposed I had to formulate a plan. What could I say to Trent? I decided to just get dressed and go out and talk to him before this situation got too big and scary to deal with in my own head.
Trent lived outside of town which was kind of nice. The drive allowed me a view of the country and with my music turned up as loud as possible and all my windows down I could just get lost in it all before confronting Trent about walking in on me.
I walked in the front door without knocking. Trent and I we’re close enough that this was considered okay by him and his family. He did this at my house also as you could tell.
“Hey Damon!” Yelled Trent’s mom.
“Good morning, Mrs. Kiedis,” I replied. She must have seen me drive up because I couldn’t see her. I only heard her.
“Trent’s upstairs in his room. You might have to wake him up. Hungry?”
“No ma’am. Thank you though.” How could anyone eat at a time like this?
Mrs. Kiedis was about the nicest lady I had ever met. She had blonde hair and steel blue eyes, which Trent inherited. She was a thin woman in her late 30s and stayed at home. Trent was her only child, although her husband, Trent’s dad, had children from a previous marriage. She truly put her family first and was just a remarkable lady.
I walked up the stairs after trading an informal conversation with Trent’s mom. I took my sweet time as I carefully planned my opening lines to him. I opened his bedroom door to find him sitting on his bed reading.
He looked up at me and our eyes met again. I kept waiting for him to yell at me or push me out the door, but nothing. He brushed his blond bangs out of his eyes and looked back down at his book.
I didn’t want to, but I spoke first, but it seemed like I had dropped every word that I brought with me down the stairs.
“Hey,” I said as I gingerly made my way towards his computer chair.
“Hi.” He said back sharply.
I cut right to the chase. I knew we wouldn’t be able to just ignore this and move on so I began…
“I’m sorry Trent.”
He closed his book in frustration of having to deal with this problem again and spun his head towards my direction.
“I’m really sorry. It was a dumb mistake.”
“I’m not mad that you were jacking off, Damon.”
“Then why the hell did you run off like that?”
“I was mad because you were jacking off while I was at your house. Why did you do that?”
I was becoming very nervous by this point. I could only look at my feet in front of me as he said this.
“….I don’t know Trent. I just had the urge to.” I said as I began to feel myself getting very tense. It didn't help that his room was hot as hell and I could feel my forehead becoming very sweaty.
“What gave you the urge to? Either way I’m not mad about it anymore. I’m just trying to figure out why you did it while I was there and why the door to your bathroom was unlocked…”
“I don’t know what you’re getting at Trent, but I think you have been reading way too many unsolved mystery books. You always dig way too far into stuff. You, as usual, reached the wrong conclusion. I was just horny and decided I wanted to. There is nothing weird going on. Chill.”
I was so full of shit. He had it all figured out. He had me nailed...
“You’re so full of shit Damon. I know what is going on and I have for a while. You think I can’t figure out my best friend?”
He moved off of his bed and I stood up as he did, out of anxiety. He faced me and got almost as close as he could to me. I backed up but my calves ran into the chair behind me and I was forced to stare face to face with him. I could feel him exhaling through his nostrils on my neck. I could smell his cologne as he looked me right in the eyes. It was so intense, the stare, that I was forced to break eye contact.
“You want to fuck me don’t you?” He asked with his cute smile. “You little faggot,” He said as he grinned and let out a low laugh.
I don't know why he smiled. I didn't think this was funny.
“You’re an idiot Trent. You have no idea what you’re talking about anymore. I just needed to blow a load. That was all it was. You are reading too much into it. Anyone could have been there. It didn't matter who. Stop freaking out.”
"You're the one who is freaking out, not me." He said as he folded his arms.
This was not going the way I wanted.
I knew he was about as smart and crafty as I was. I don’t know why I was under the impression that he was dumb enough to buy my excuses. Why did I try to outsmart him? He saw straight through me that time. I had to get out before he nailed me. I pushed past him and as I got to his bedroom door he said something that forced me to stop dead in my shoes. I’ll never forget what he said.
All that time I thought I had played it so smooth with him but…
“Look whose leaving now," He said with sarcasm in his tone. "You think I don’t see the way you stare at me, Damon, but I do. I’ve noticed. I know how you look at me and now I’m calling you on it and you don’t even have the balls to admit it. You’re not as sneaky as you think you are. I see you check me out. Do you think I’m blind? Do you think I'm stupid?”
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted so bad to just keep walking and leave, but instead I slowly shut his bedroom door and gave him an expressionless glance. Then I spun around as fast as I could and leaped on him taking him down to the floor like a leopard would leap on its escaping prey. I had lost it by this point.
“Damn it Damon! That hurts. What the fuck are you doing?” He said moments after I had taken him down.
“Listen to me Trent,” I whispered with a silent anger in my voice.
“What are you doing Damon?” Trent pleaded.
“If you as so much as utter a word of what you just said to me to anyone else I will spill every secret you have ever told me. I will tell Coach Lucas about the time you pissed in his water bottle. I might even tell your mom how that huge dent came to be on her car. If you say anything I will be sure to you with me. I refuse to be FUCKING out-ted like this. Not by my best friend, damn it. Do you understand? This wasn’t supposed to fucking happen!"
My hand covered his mouth to keep him from screaming. I could feel his chest moving up and down rapidly as it rubbed against either side of my thighs. He was scared too. He started to breathe harder and I could see sweat on his forehead as well. I slowly moved my hands off his mouth.
"You have to promise," I said as tears began to form in my eyes while still sitting on top of him.
I wanted so bad to not do that in front of him, but it was all too much. I was not ready for anyone, especially him, to know that I was not completly hetro. It was my darkest secret and that was my worst nightmare.
“Damon, I wouldn’t do that to you," He began as he tried to catch his breath. "We’ve been best friends for as long as I can remember.”
I sighed with relief, but I was still weary. I stood up without saying a word and offered my hand to help him up and he accepted. He locked eyes with me once again.
“I…”
“Trent! Breakfast is ready!” His mother yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
“...I’ll be right back,” He said.
He ate and we played some video games for a while and then met up with some other guys and hung out at a local game store and we all talked about the Rangers game. That was a typical Saturday for us.
I wasn’t very interested that day, not after what had just taken place. I just kept trying my best to act normal around Trent and not “check him out” anymore. I managed to act normal I think, but he acted very distant for the rest of the day and he didn’t say a word to me as I drove him back to his house.
I stopped the car and he got out as fast as he could.
He yelled, “Bye!” as he slammed my car door shut with anxious vigor behind his silhouette.
From the angle I was looking at him it appeared as if he was walking directly into the setting sun. He was nothing but a lonely black, blank figure disappearing in the distance. It was beautiful and one of the most tragic looking images I had ever seen.
How could we be friends now that he knew? I could have denied the fact, but Trent knew when I was lying. He always could tell.
It now seemed like our friendship was over. What do I do?
Volume Four.
Time wore on and days grew shorter. The sun ran faster and nights crept slower; especially for me.
I couldn’t open my windows anymore. Those Texas afternoons had been ran off by the bitter tastes of winter. The cold weather bite at my skin forcing me to stay shut up away from the World.
We had not spoken in a month. Are you surprised? I wasn’t.
Every time I saw him in the hall or at track practice I went right for him with my eyes, but he never met them. I missed him so much. I missed talking to him, joking around with him, just being near him in general.
In the past month without him I slowly began to recognize that I need Trent in my life. I was still so very confused about how I felt about him, but I knew I had not been the same since he stopped talking to me. From time to time I thought about saying something, but I never did. I should have. Maybe he was just waiting on me to do it first.
I was at our track practice and feeling pretty confident in my pair of very short shorts as I finished my stretches. I joined track my sophomore year of school as a way of keeping in shape. Plus I saw it as a way to combat my asthma; this was a way to give my lungs a work out. Being that I was a senior it was my third year and I was, along with Trent, one of the only senior boys running that year. We were more or less made co-captains by our coach. Seniors are usually considered captains by default either way.
My shorts were orange and I looked ridiculous in them, but I was wearing a jock strap under them and that set up usually made me feel pretty good about my body. I would usually worry about getting an erection when I first joined from looking at all those guys in their shorts, but I was wearing so little and it was usually cold enough that this is never a problem. If that wasn’t enough I just looked up and focused on my breathing as I ran and I was able to control myself. However from time to time I did have some trouble when running near Trent.
I’m forced to stare at him run. He was a fantastic runner. His legs were amazing. His lower legs were very dark which journeyed up to what were his very white, yet chiseled thighs. White as a jar of cool whip, but I still found them very sexy. They had the perfect amount of hair on them, just enough to run your hands through as you moved them up his leg. Trent was much faster than I am in a fair race.
It hurt me to watch him run lately, honestly. I couldn’t stop picturing myself with him and I could feel my dick rub up against my cup and it made me knot up with pain. I had to forget about him for now. I had to focus on my running. As I turned around to begin I noticed him pass me to take his start.
“Hey…” I said, before I even realized I had said it.
He took a quick glance back at me and then forced his eyes to the ground as quick as he could. Almost as if he was embarrassed that he had heard me. He began running. He started off and I follow quickly behind. I decided enough was enough. Trent was one of my best friends and I was tired of not talking to him.
“Trent.”
He didn’t stop. He doesn’t even acknowledge me. He quickens his pace as I tried to stop him and get his attention.
“Trent….listen,” I said as I gasped for oxygen and tried desperately to keep up with him.
“Trent I can’t keep up with you...”
I didn’t stop as he tried to break away from me. I managed to stay right behind him.
I was not going to be ignored any longer. I thought it was bullshit and I was sick and tired of him doing that to me.
I knew exactly how to get his attention.
I dug deep into myself and kicked my legs into a gear I rarely took them to. I only put this much into my run during the final seconds of a close race when it was needed the most, but I could tell I needed it here. I closed the gap and pounced on him from behind. We both hit the track fairly hard, everyone at the practice turned to see what had happened. I tried my best not to hurt him, but I was flaming mad and his well-being, as mine, was of no concern to me at the time.
“Damn it, Damon!”
“I’m sick of this shit, Trent. Why and the hell have you been ignoring me?”
We both stood up. He looked at me in frustration and then he observed his elbow which he had fallen on when I tackled him on the newly created track which didn’t seem to mind scraping us up a bite.
“You know why.”
“Well yeah I guess I do, but you said I was your friend and that you would never tell anyone.”
“Well I haven’t have I, Damon?”
“No…but you didn’t say that you wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I didn’t know that was
a part of it.”
“Well…I’m sorry. It’s just weird knowing your best friend wants to get in your pants.”
He was staring firmly at the ground by now. It seemed like he would have rather been anywhere besides talking to me.
“It’s not like that Trent. I…- I mean I… - I didn’t want you to know. Things just got messed up. I would change it if I could,” I lied.
“…its fine,” He said back as he looked at anything and everything, but me.
“Well I’m just tired of you ignoring me.”
I looked down at his elbow and saw it begin to bleed. I licked my thumb and put my hand around his arm and began to rub the blood and dirt off his elbow. He moved a little closer as I did, but he didn’t seem comfortable with this and pulled away before
I finished when he noticed people where still looking at us after I had jumped him.
“I have to go anyways. Tell coach I got sick,” He said as an obvious excuse to get away from the situation.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow!” I said as he walked off.
I didn’t get a reply.
A few weeks pass and I found some success. Every once and awhile I caught his eyes in the hall way.
He really knew how to dress. He still had nothing on me, but he got by better than all of his ‘jock’ friends.
He was standing there holding his binder near Mrs. Cobain’s classroom. He was wearing these running shorts that really fit nicely. You could make out the curve in his butt and when he walked you could see them move with his legs and every once and a while it would give him this little wedge and you could see his crack through his shorts at the top of his butt. I loves that more than anything, it always mde me want to leave school and go home and beat off until I had nothing left.
His shirt was a v-neck on that day and it was a soft red that made him look very buff. I mean he was buff, but he had very lean arms actually, but the shirt made his arm muscles look very pronounced that day. His hair was its usual uncombed mess without his old baseball cap, but it did nothing to his appearance as he looked absolutely angelic with his blond locks flowing around his eyes; those deep blue thoughtful eyes.
He turned to head in to class and I looked at him and smiled. He looked back. He didn’t smile, but his eyes became narrower as he slightly cocked his head to the side.
Not out of anger, but it was almost as if he knew that simple acknowledgement meant more to me than any specific reaction. His face became softer and more peaceful looking when he saw me.
That was the last time I saw him that day. The next day I came to school and everyone was gathered at the front of the room and I heard Trent’s name amongst the gossip.
“What’s going on, where is Mr. Harrison?” I said with annoyance in my voice. I really couldn’t stand the kids in my English class and it didn’t help that I was a bitch in the morning to pretty much anyone who got in my way.
Jasmine White, the miss know-it-all that she was, came up to me as I sat my backpack down and said something to me that I would never forget. It became one of those moments that are still frozen in time in my mind. I could tell you and describe everything and everyone that was there at that moment. Everything seemed to come to a halt when she said…
“Trent’s mom was in a really bad car accident this morning. Trent just left like 15 minutes ago. He looked pretty torn up. The principal and the councilor like ran down here to get him. It was pretty scary.”
"What!?"
I was shocked. I had just seen her the other day before she and my mom left to go shopping. I loved his mom like she was apart of my family.
She was one of the nicest women I’d ever met. She was like my mother in a lot of ways. She had been a mother to me all throughout my childhood. Like when I cut myself playing outside with Trent, she had fixed me meals when I stayed over, and she was just a terrific person with so much love. Trent loved her so much and I’m sure he was very tore up.
I couldn’t sit there. So I found out where they took her, it turned out Jasmine was a know-it-all, as she had over heard my prinicpal say where they took her. I left despite Mr. Harrison telling me I was not allowed and I would be counted absent for the day if I took off. Mr. Harrison was trying his best to down play the seriousness of this by telling us all to grab our text books.
"Damon Zephyr Lewis, sit down." he said as I tried to make my way for the door.
He was one of the few people brave enough to say my middle name. I have no idea what my parents were thinking by giving me the middle name of Zephyr. I mean they had to have been high.
"Sorry, sir. This is way more important than re-learning how to conjugate vows. I have to go." I said as I dashed throw the classroom door in a hurry.
I drove to the hospital and lied to some nurses to find out where she was. I told them I was her son. I didn’t consider it a complete and total lie, actually.
I got to the waiting room on the floor she was taken and I saw Trent sitting in a chair. His face was hid in his palms in an attempt to escape the thoughts that I'm sure must have filled him to the brim. He was hunched over and I could hear him crying and I could see his body twitching and shaking in despair. I said nothing even when I took a seat next to him.
I put my hand on his back and he looked up. He stared at me for just a split moment and then looked at the ground for another as the tears poured out of him. You could literally see his feelings as every ounce of pride he had melted away on his pained looking face. He continued to sob even louder.
What happened next I would have never predicted.
Without a beat he threw his arms around me and continued to express the hurt and fear he had.
“I love her so much, Damon. She has to make it. I can’t live without her. Why does this have to happen?” He said through his red, tear drenched face.
“I don’t know. It’s going to be okay, Trent. She’s strong.”
I began to cry as he buried his face into my shoulder. I could feel every twitch and shake in his body as I rested my hands on his back. To this day, this was the most vulnerable state in which I had ever seen a person. He was wrecked.
“I’m here for you Trent. I’m right here,” I said back to him as I leaned my head against his as we sat there in utter uncertainty, alone.
I had never experienced something like that before. It was my first true glimpse at what heart-break could do to a person. The fear and pain that I saw Trent go through that day haunted me for a very long time after this…
I couldn’t open my windows anymore. Those Texas afternoons had been ran off by the bitter tastes of winter. The cold weather bite at my skin forcing me to stay shut up away from the World.
We had not spoken in a month. Are you surprised? I wasn’t.
Every time I saw him in the hall or at track practice I went right for him with my eyes, but he never met them. I missed him so much. I missed talking to him, joking around with him, just being near him in general.
In the past month without him I slowly began to recognize that I need Trent in my life. I was still so very confused about how I felt about him, but I knew I had not been the same since he stopped talking to me. From time to time I thought about saying something, but I never did. I should have. Maybe he was just waiting on me to do it first.
I was at our track practice and feeling pretty confident in my pair of very short shorts as I finished my stretches. I joined track my sophomore year of school as a way of keeping in shape. Plus I saw it as a way to combat my asthma; this was a way to give my lungs a work out. Being that I was a senior it was my third year and I was, along with Trent, one of the only senior boys running that year. We were more or less made co-captains by our coach. Seniors are usually considered captains by default either way.
My shorts were orange and I looked ridiculous in them, but I was wearing a jock strap under them and that set up usually made me feel pretty good about my body. I would usually worry about getting an erection when I first joined from looking at all those guys in their shorts, but I was wearing so little and it was usually cold enough that this is never a problem. If that wasn’t enough I just looked up and focused on my breathing as I ran and I was able to control myself. However from time to time I did have some trouble when running near Trent.
I’m forced to stare at him run. He was a fantastic runner. His legs were amazing. His lower legs were very dark which journeyed up to what were his very white, yet chiseled thighs. White as a jar of cool whip, but I still found them very sexy. They had the perfect amount of hair on them, just enough to run your hands through as you moved them up his leg. Trent was much faster than I am in a fair race.
It hurt me to watch him run lately, honestly. I couldn’t stop picturing myself with him and I could feel my dick rub up against my cup and it made me knot up with pain. I had to forget about him for now. I had to focus on my running. As I turned around to begin I noticed him pass me to take his start.
“Hey…” I said, before I even realized I had said it.
He took a quick glance back at me and then forced his eyes to the ground as quick as he could. Almost as if he was embarrassed that he had heard me. He began running. He started off and I follow quickly behind. I decided enough was enough. Trent was one of my best friends and I was tired of not talking to him.
“Trent.”
He didn’t stop. He doesn’t even acknowledge me. He quickens his pace as I tried to stop him and get his attention.
“Trent….listen,” I said as I gasped for oxygen and tried desperately to keep up with him.
“Trent I can’t keep up with you...”
I didn’t stop as he tried to break away from me. I managed to stay right behind him.
I was not going to be ignored any longer. I thought it was bullshit and I was sick and tired of him doing that to me.
I knew exactly how to get his attention.
I dug deep into myself and kicked my legs into a gear I rarely took them to. I only put this much into my run during the final seconds of a close race when it was needed the most, but I could tell I needed it here. I closed the gap and pounced on him from behind. We both hit the track fairly hard, everyone at the practice turned to see what had happened. I tried my best not to hurt him, but I was flaming mad and his well-being, as mine, was of no concern to me at the time.
“Damn it, Damon!”
“I’m sick of this shit, Trent. Why and the hell have you been ignoring me?”
We both stood up. He looked at me in frustration and then he observed his elbow which he had fallen on when I tackled him on the newly created track which didn’t seem to mind scraping us up a bite.
“You know why.”
“Well yeah I guess I do, but you said I was your friend and that you would never tell anyone.”
“Well I haven’t have I, Damon?”
“No…but you didn’t say that you wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I didn’t know that was
a part of it.”
“Well…I’m sorry. It’s just weird knowing your best friend wants to get in your pants.”
He was staring firmly at the ground by now. It seemed like he would have rather been anywhere besides talking to me.
“It’s not like that Trent. I…- I mean I… - I didn’t want you to know. Things just got messed up. I would change it if I could,” I lied.
“…its fine,” He said back as he looked at anything and everything, but me.
“Well I’m just tired of you ignoring me.”
I looked down at his elbow and saw it begin to bleed. I licked my thumb and put my hand around his arm and began to rub the blood and dirt off his elbow. He moved a little closer as I did, but he didn’t seem comfortable with this and pulled away before
I finished when he noticed people where still looking at us after I had jumped him.
“I have to go anyways. Tell coach I got sick,” He said as an obvious excuse to get away from the situation.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow!” I said as he walked off.
I didn’t get a reply.
A few weeks pass and I found some success. Every once and awhile I caught his eyes in the hall way.
He really knew how to dress. He still had nothing on me, but he got by better than all of his ‘jock’ friends.
He was standing there holding his binder near Mrs. Cobain’s classroom. He was wearing these running shorts that really fit nicely. You could make out the curve in his butt and when he walked you could see them move with his legs and every once and a while it would give him this little wedge and you could see his crack through his shorts at the top of his butt. I loves that more than anything, it always mde me want to leave school and go home and beat off until I had nothing left.
His shirt was a v-neck on that day and it was a soft red that made him look very buff. I mean he was buff, but he had very lean arms actually, but the shirt made his arm muscles look very pronounced that day. His hair was its usual uncombed mess without his old baseball cap, but it did nothing to his appearance as he looked absolutely angelic with his blond locks flowing around his eyes; those deep blue thoughtful eyes.
He turned to head in to class and I looked at him and smiled. He looked back. He didn’t smile, but his eyes became narrower as he slightly cocked his head to the side.
Not out of anger, but it was almost as if he knew that simple acknowledgement meant more to me than any specific reaction. His face became softer and more peaceful looking when he saw me.
That was the last time I saw him that day. The next day I came to school and everyone was gathered at the front of the room and I heard Trent’s name amongst the gossip.
“What’s going on, where is Mr. Harrison?” I said with annoyance in my voice. I really couldn’t stand the kids in my English class and it didn’t help that I was a bitch in the morning to pretty much anyone who got in my way.
Jasmine White, the miss know-it-all that she was, came up to me as I sat my backpack down and said something to me that I would never forget. It became one of those moments that are still frozen in time in my mind. I could tell you and describe everything and everyone that was there at that moment. Everything seemed to come to a halt when she said…
“Trent’s mom was in a really bad car accident this morning. Trent just left like 15 minutes ago. He looked pretty torn up. The principal and the councilor like ran down here to get him. It was pretty scary.”
"What!?"
I was shocked. I had just seen her the other day before she and my mom left to go shopping. I loved his mom like she was apart of my family.
She was one of the nicest women I’d ever met. She was like my mother in a lot of ways. She had been a mother to me all throughout my childhood. Like when I cut myself playing outside with Trent, she had fixed me meals when I stayed over, and she was just a terrific person with so much love. Trent loved her so much and I’m sure he was very tore up.
I couldn’t sit there. So I found out where they took her, it turned out Jasmine was a know-it-all, as she had over heard my prinicpal say where they took her. I left despite Mr. Harrison telling me I was not allowed and I would be counted absent for the day if I took off. Mr. Harrison was trying his best to down play the seriousness of this by telling us all to grab our text books.
"Damon Zephyr Lewis, sit down." he said as I tried to make my way for the door.
He was one of the few people brave enough to say my middle name. I have no idea what my parents were thinking by giving me the middle name of Zephyr. I mean they had to have been high.
"Sorry, sir. This is way more important than re-learning how to conjugate vows. I have to go." I said as I dashed throw the classroom door in a hurry.
I drove to the hospital and lied to some nurses to find out where she was. I told them I was her son. I didn’t consider it a complete and total lie, actually.
I got to the waiting room on the floor she was taken and I saw Trent sitting in a chair. His face was hid in his palms in an attempt to escape the thoughts that I'm sure must have filled him to the brim. He was hunched over and I could hear him crying and I could see his body twitching and shaking in despair. I said nothing even when I took a seat next to him.
I put my hand on his back and he looked up. He stared at me for just a split moment and then looked at the ground for another as the tears poured out of him. You could literally see his feelings as every ounce of pride he had melted away on his pained looking face. He continued to sob even louder.
What happened next I would have never predicted.
Without a beat he threw his arms around me and continued to express the hurt and fear he had.
“I love her so much, Damon. She has to make it. I can’t live without her. Why does this have to happen?” He said through his red, tear drenched face.
“I don’t know. It’s going to be okay, Trent. She’s strong.”
I began to cry as he buried his face into my shoulder. I could feel every twitch and shake in his body as I rested my hands on his back. To this day, this was the most vulnerable state in which I had ever seen a person. He was wrecked.
“I’m here for you Trent. I’m right here,” I said back to him as I leaned my head against his as we sat there in utter uncertainty, alone.
I had never experienced something like that before. It was my first true glimpse at what heart-break could do to a person. The fear and pain that I saw Trent go through that day haunted me for a very long time after this…
Volume Five.
Trent left for a moment to go to the restroom. I sat there with thoughts running through my head so fast that I was barely able keep up. I got lost in the blank walls of that waiting room. I lost my composure and sat there zoned out with my mouth hanging open like a child. What would it do to Trent if he lost his mom? I thought. I couldn’t image him ever being the same if he lost his mother.
“Damon?”
It was Trent’s dad. That man was the epitome of a workaholic. I was glad he found the time to get down there to see her. The man worked harder than any other person I had ever known. It was just too bad he was a square ‘suit’ that did nothing, but work in an office. Really he was a nice guy who loved and worked his ass off for his family; even if he did look like a walking zombie almost all the time. He never seemed to have much of a loving relationship with Trent.
He looked pale that day, more than usual. He still had his work suit on. He was a district manager of some local company that makes…well honestly I don’t remember, but he was always stressed out and I’m sure this situation was not doing much for his health either.
“What are you doing here?” He asked me as he rubbed his face trying to scrub the last eight hours off of it.
“…I don’t know. I felt like Trent might need some company. It just felt right for me to be here. How is she?”
“Huh…they aren’t telling me a lot, Damon. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been here for hours.”
“Is there anything I can do?” I asked as I wiped the tears from my face.
“Where is Trent?” He asked me, looking around.
“He went to the bathroom. He is taking this pretty hard. Is there any chance he can see her?”
He let out a sigh and said...
“They won't even let me see her right now, she is still in surgery and in critical condition. Could you do me a favor and take him home, Damon? I’m going to be here for the night and God knows he is hurting enough. There is nothing he can do right now. Take him home and come back in the morning. Is that okay?”
“I’ll try, but I don’t think he will like that idea.”
“You two can come back in the morning. Tell him I will call him when they tell me something. I promise.”
“Wait…shouldn't you talk to him...wait!...bye…” He left before I could object.
He went through those endlessly swinging double doors, those doors that you were never supposed to go past in the movies; those ones that no one was ever allowed behind. I watched them move slower and slower until they both stopped as if they had never made a move at all.
I made my way down the lonely hallway which looked like it had been abandoned long ago. I thought I had been here for at least six hours. I had no idea actually.
Time was always out of whack in places like that. I met him in the hall way. His head was down and he looked to be relying on the railing attached to the walls to make his way back. Was it wrong for me to think he still looked adorable? He looked like he was in a completely different World. It seemed like he was totally unaware of what was going on around him.
“You just missed your dad.” I said, trying to be as direct as possible.
“What did he say?” He asked with such apathy that I almost wanted to put my arms around him again right then and there.
“Well, he said that the doctors still aren’t saying a whole lot. I think she is still in surgery. I'm not sure when you will be able to see her.”
“Well you should have asked!” He was not in a good mood, but I couldn’t hold it against him. I decided to let him take it out on me. It didn’t bother me. I knew he would have done the same if the roles had been reversed.
“Your Dad thought you and I should go home for tonight and come back for tomorrow. You look like a box of tissue and I look like your snot rag. I think we should just go catch some sleep while we can, okay?”
“Ha-ha…don’t make me laugh, Damon. Not right now.” He was too exhausted to protest so I more or less pushed him into the elevator.
I dropped him off and said my goodbyes. “I’ll be by in the morning to pick you up. Will you be okay?” I said as I put my car into park.
He just sat there as if I had not said a word, as if the car was still barreling down the highway.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as he refused to break his stare.
“I don’t want to be alone right now.” He said in a very low voice which seemed to be teetering on the edge of upset.
“You want me to stay?” I asked in humbled surprise as I moved a bit closer to him.
He nodded, but still focused on the floor mat in my car. He gave that nod like a confused or sad child would after a parent had scolded them and tried to make it better by offering a treat to their upset baby. It was heart breaking to see him like that. It killed me.
It was almost as if we were 5 years old again and he was mad and crying because he had lost his favorite blanket. He only relinquished his crying after his mother knelt down and handed it to him, freshly cleaned out of the dryer.
The lights from my dashboard highlighted the tears sitting in his eyes awaiting even the slightest sad thought that might cross his mind. He was in so much pain.
“I’ll stay.”
Not much was said after that. The house was dark and eerily silent as we made our way up to his bedroom. I had rarely seen it like this before. It was usually very bright and felt alive with the hustle and bustle that was the lives of the Kiedis family, but not on that night.
I made my pallet on the floor as Trent got ready for bed in his bathroom. Neither one of us had said much of anything to one another at that point. You might understand.
I called my folks and told them everything that had happened, my plans, and said goodnight. They understood and my mom, who was good friends with Trent’s mother, was obviously worried about Trent and his mother so it was no problem for me to stay over.
He came into the bedroom and as I sat my phone down on the nightstand he walked right up to me and put his arms around me. Confused, my arms remained in the air, but I put them around his back and held him after a moment.
I had no idea what his motivates were, but at that point I was just assuming he needed someone and I was there.
"Its going to be okay, Trent. She is a tough lady. You know it as well as I do." I said as we got ready to turn the light our
"Yeah, I know." He said weakly as he climbed into his sweak-filled bed. His mattress was so noisy.
“Goodnight Trent.” I said after turning of the light and feeling my around to my covers.
I remember not thinking I would be able to sleep that night so I began running through all those thoughts in my head again. I always did that.
I could spend up to an hour just sitting in my bed thinking. The stillness really opened up my mind. As I did so I began to hear him cry once more. I’d never seen him like this before and I hated it so bad. I just wanted to make him smile, but I knew nothing could. I couldn’t imagine the thought of losing one of my parents.
Trent had always been so strong and unaffected by things. Showing emotion was not his style so seeing this side of him was a very rare site, and I hated it more than anything. It made me sick to have to be around him when he was upset. I just wanted to go over to his bed and make him stop some how.
I didn’t say anything for a long time, but his crying started me up again and then I, with my hand over my mouth, began to sob for him. After a while it became too much for me.
“Trent. Come here,” I said. His crying ceased for a moment.
I heard his covers shuffle and I knew it was him turning his head to look my direction. He still remained silent. I heard him crawl onto the floor and then near me. He rested his head on me and I felt his arm cross over my body as he continued to sob his poor heart out. He held on to me, tight.
I began to hum a song under his fainting cries. I can’t recall. I think it might have been Hallelujah.
I put my hand on the side of his head. I could feel his hair under my fingers, his beautiful hair. I then began to rock him back and forth ever so slightly.
Just as I felt myself fall asleep I felt something warm and moist touch my cheek, but just for a moment. Then I felt him nuzzle his head back into my chest.
I fell asleep feeling his heartbeat. I fell asleep with my arms around him. I fell asleep embracing him.
Any other time that would have been a dream come true…but not then…not like that.
“Damon?”
It was Trent’s dad. That man was the epitome of a workaholic. I was glad he found the time to get down there to see her. The man worked harder than any other person I had ever known. It was just too bad he was a square ‘suit’ that did nothing, but work in an office. Really he was a nice guy who loved and worked his ass off for his family; even if he did look like a walking zombie almost all the time. He never seemed to have much of a loving relationship with Trent.
He looked pale that day, more than usual. He still had his work suit on. He was a district manager of some local company that makes…well honestly I don’t remember, but he was always stressed out and I’m sure this situation was not doing much for his health either.
“What are you doing here?” He asked me as he rubbed his face trying to scrub the last eight hours off of it.
“…I don’t know. I felt like Trent might need some company. It just felt right for me to be here. How is she?”
“Huh…they aren’t telling me a lot, Damon. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been here for hours.”
“Is there anything I can do?” I asked as I wiped the tears from my face.
“Where is Trent?” He asked me, looking around.
“He went to the bathroom. He is taking this pretty hard. Is there any chance he can see her?”
He let out a sigh and said...
“They won't even let me see her right now, she is still in surgery and in critical condition. Could you do me a favor and take him home, Damon? I’m going to be here for the night and God knows he is hurting enough. There is nothing he can do right now. Take him home and come back in the morning. Is that okay?”
“I’ll try, but I don’t think he will like that idea.”
“You two can come back in the morning. Tell him I will call him when they tell me something. I promise.”
“Wait…shouldn't you talk to him...wait!...bye…” He left before I could object.
He went through those endlessly swinging double doors, those doors that you were never supposed to go past in the movies; those ones that no one was ever allowed behind. I watched them move slower and slower until they both stopped as if they had never made a move at all.
I made my way down the lonely hallway which looked like it had been abandoned long ago. I thought I had been here for at least six hours. I had no idea actually.
Time was always out of whack in places like that. I met him in the hall way. His head was down and he looked to be relying on the railing attached to the walls to make his way back. Was it wrong for me to think he still looked adorable? He looked like he was in a completely different World. It seemed like he was totally unaware of what was going on around him.
“You just missed your dad.” I said, trying to be as direct as possible.
“What did he say?” He asked with such apathy that I almost wanted to put my arms around him again right then and there.
“Well, he said that the doctors still aren’t saying a whole lot. I think she is still in surgery. I'm not sure when you will be able to see her.”
“Well you should have asked!” He was not in a good mood, but I couldn’t hold it against him. I decided to let him take it out on me. It didn’t bother me. I knew he would have done the same if the roles had been reversed.
“Your Dad thought you and I should go home for tonight and come back for tomorrow. You look like a box of tissue and I look like your snot rag. I think we should just go catch some sleep while we can, okay?”
“Ha-ha…don’t make me laugh, Damon. Not right now.” He was too exhausted to protest so I more or less pushed him into the elevator.
I dropped him off and said my goodbyes. “I’ll be by in the morning to pick you up. Will you be okay?” I said as I put my car into park.
He just sat there as if I had not said a word, as if the car was still barreling down the highway.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as he refused to break his stare.
“I don’t want to be alone right now.” He said in a very low voice which seemed to be teetering on the edge of upset.
“You want me to stay?” I asked in humbled surprise as I moved a bit closer to him.
He nodded, but still focused on the floor mat in my car. He gave that nod like a confused or sad child would after a parent had scolded them and tried to make it better by offering a treat to their upset baby. It was heart breaking to see him like that. It killed me.
It was almost as if we were 5 years old again and he was mad and crying because he had lost his favorite blanket. He only relinquished his crying after his mother knelt down and handed it to him, freshly cleaned out of the dryer.
The lights from my dashboard highlighted the tears sitting in his eyes awaiting even the slightest sad thought that might cross his mind. He was in so much pain.
“I’ll stay.”
Not much was said after that. The house was dark and eerily silent as we made our way up to his bedroom. I had rarely seen it like this before. It was usually very bright and felt alive with the hustle and bustle that was the lives of the Kiedis family, but not on that night.
I made my pallet on the floor as Trent got ready for bed in his bathroom. Neither one of us had said much of anything to one another at that point. You might understand.
I called my folks and told them everything that had happened, my plans, and said goodnight. They understood and my mom, who was good friends with Trent’s mother, was obviously worried about Trent and his mother so it was no problem for me to stay over.
He came into the bedroom and as I sat my phone down on the nightstand he walked right up to me and put his arms around me. Confused, my arms remained in the air, but I put them around his back and held him after a moment.
I had no idea what his motivates were, but at that point I was just assuming he needed someone and I was there.
"Its going to be okay, Trent. She is a tough lady. You know it as well as I do." I said as we got ready to turn the light our
"Yeah, I know." He said weakly as he climbed into his sweak-filled bed. His mattress was so noisy.
“Goodnight Trent.” I said after turning of the light and feeling my around to my covers.
I remember not thinking I would be able to sleep that night so I began running through all those thoughts in my head again. I always did that.
I could spend up to an hour just sitting in my bed thinking. The stillness really opened up my mind. As I did so I began to hear him cry once more. I’d never seen him like this before and I hated it so bad. I just wanted to make him smile, but I knew nothing could. I couldn’t imagine the thought of losing one of my parents.
Trent had always been so strong and unaffected by things. Showing emotion was not his style so seeing this side of him was a very rare site, and I hated it more than anything. It made me sick to have to be around him when he was upset. I just wanted to go over to his bed and make him stop some how.
I didn’t say anything for a long time, but his crying started me up again and then I, with my hand over my mouth, began to sob for him. After a while it became too much for me.
“Trent. Come here,” I said. His crying ceased for a moment.
I heard his covers shuffle and I knew it was him turning his head to look my direction. He still remained silent. I heard him crawl onto the floor and then near me. He rested his head on me and I felt his arm cross over my body as he continued to sob his poor heart out. He held on to me, tight.
I began to hum a song under his fainting cries. I can’t recall. I think it might have been Hallelujah.
I put my hand on the side of his head. I could feel his hair under my fingers, his beautiful hair. I then began to rock him back and forth ever so slightly.
Just as I felt myself fall asleep I felt something warm and moist touch my cheek, but just for a moment. Then I felt him nuzzle his head back into my chest.
I fell asleep feeling his heartbeat. I fell asleep with my arms around him. I fell asleep embracing him.
Any other time that would have been a dream come true…but not then…not like that.
Volume Six.
I woke up the way I often seemed to, by the sun. I felt my back tense up as I began to move around on the floor. The first thing that popped in my mind…
“Trent?”
I no longer felt his head resting on me. I didn’t feel his arm draped over me anymore.
He was gone.
I rose up from the floor. My body felt like it had been still for ages. I made my way over to the window in nothing but my underwear. As I pulled the fabric out of my butt I looked out but I couldn’t make out anything because of the way the sun was hitting the window. I had assumed Trent had left in his truck. I could only think of one place he would have gone.
“Damn.” I said aloud, weakly, with a sigh.
I checked my phone. It was only 9 in the morning. No messages. No missed calls. I knew where he went, but I couldn’t figure out why he had left me here, alone. Actually I could have, but I didn’t want to.
Surely if something had happened someone would have tried to get a hold of me? I thought to myself.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know if I was supposed to go to the hospital or just go home. Part of me wanted to stay and wait for him to come back.
At a loss of what to do next I started to get dressed. I got one leg in my pants, but then I noticed the door open with a slow creak.
“Hello-Oh my goodness.” The entering woman said as she saw me more or less fully naked.
I staggered in surprise.
“Ah shit.” I said as I pulled up my pants in a hurry.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to barge in. I thought you were still asleep. Who are you, exactly?” The woman asked.
Finished buttoning my pants I replied. “I’m Damon. What are you doing here? Who are you?” I replied back defensively.
The woman looked older and somewhat familiar. I think I had met her before this encounter, but I didn’t recall where at that time. She was light skinned with blonde hair and steel blue eyes. She was a bigger woman and looked very much like a cow girl. An older woman you might find at a rodeo perhaps. She had a lot of big tacky jewelry on. That seemed to be her desperate attempt to make herself look smaller. I don't think it worked. Especially with that tight, low-cut shirt and those jeans pulled up to her boobs.
Yuk.
“Oh you’re his friend, right. I’m Trent’s Aunt, Anita. I believe we’ve meet once or twice before. It sure is good to see you again, sweet heart. I don’t mean to rush you, but maybe you should go home now, sweetie.”
“Where is Trent? Is Mrs. Kiedis okay?”
“He was gone when we got here." She said.
“What about Mrs. Kiedis? How is she doing?” I asked as I pulled my wrinkled filled shirt over my body. I stood there, in the middle of his room, waiting for her response with my mouth hanging open as if it were pleading for a response in its own silence.
She turned to me as she was about to close the door and moved her eyes from the floor to my face, stopping for just a moment before leaving the room.
I didn’t need the answer…
I left the house without saying another word. Evidently, Trent’s aunt, uncle, and three cousins came in this morning while I was asleep. I suppose I know why now.
I drove home and I began to think about Trent. The pain he must have felt and the hurt he must have had to deal with. I wanted to be there with him. I’d never cared more about a person. I hit my steering wheel repeatedly as tears began to fill my eyes once again.
I didn’t go home. I stopped at the town park and just sat in the swing as I watched the trees blow with the wind. The trees easily submitted to the wind’s will. It didn’t even try and resist.
I find it funny how the World works. You're born and then you spend your whole life affecting everything and everyone around you. No matter how subtle or drastic that affect is, no matter how long or briefly you affect it/them, when you're gone, that is all anyone else can see of you. The affect you had on this World. That is all that remains. Your light affect.
I just didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to be alone with myself.
At that moment, for the first time in my entire life, I didn’t know what to do next...
I sat at the back of the church, by myself. My mom couldn't get off work despite her trying to, but she did manage to make it up here the night beforehand. I thought sitting at the back was the best place for me. I was not a family member or a close friend to her, but I had known her since I was five years old. I definitely loved her. She was an amazing woman. Besides, I was sure Trent would be happy to know I cared enough to come.
I didn’t expect him to sit by me and shoot the breeze the entire time. I thought he would want to be with his family at that moment, but I hoped at least I see him. After a few minutes of me awkwardly sitting alone he came over.
“Hi.” Trent said as he walked by me with his father and older sister, Taylor. He stopped and walked past me in the isle to take a seat beside me. He looked pretty heartbroken. He had been crying. I could see it written on his face. Despite what looked like an apparent attempt to rid himself of the tears.
“You okay?” I asked, not knowing how else to greet him.
“No.” He said plainly with a forced chuckle.
“I’m so sorry Trent. I wish I could have been there. I know how much you loved her and I know how much she loved you. Hell, I loved her.”
He didn’t reply.
“Trent, if you ever need to talk about anything you can always talk to me. I know things are a little confusing between us right now, but I’m always here if you need an ear.”
He remained stone faced for a few moments and then revealed a small smile as he peered over at me.
“Thanks. I better go see my Dad. I just wanted to see you for a minute. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
“Oh and Damon.” He turned and said as he began walking down the middle isle of the church.
“Yeah?”
“She loved you too…”
It was hard for me to sit through the service. I found myself being more upset about her being gone than I had originally thought.
I left rather quickly after the service. I didn’t know many people there and plus I was not a member of the family so I figured I would just let Trent be with them. I left feeling a measure of relief, but I knew things would never be the same for Trent.
After a long week at school I came home and it felt amazing outside. That’s the wonderful thing about Texas. Even in the winter you could always count on a nice warm day to lift up your spirits every once and awhile, especially on Fridays it seemed. The spring-like-breeze made me want to go take a nap in the seemingly bright green grass.
It was almost as if Mother Nature knew I had a hard week and that was my reward. Sunshine and a light breeze.
Not a better prize could have been given.
Nothing relaxed me more than strumming on my guitar near an open window and watching the wind knock back the curtain, it was so peaceful.
I heard my front door slam; it caught me off guard, as it hadn’t made that sound in a long time.
Before I could get up off my couch good I found myself being hit in the gut with a can of soda.
“Here. I thought you might be thirsty”
“Oh, thanks. Whats up?”
“Nothing, really. I didn’t feel like spending another afternoon at home with my Aunt Anita while dad hides at work, so I thought I’d stop over. I guess she feels like she has to be my mom now. I'm just sort of ready for her to go home. A little of her goes a long ways. So, I figured maybe you'd want to hang out.”
“Really?” I gave him a curious, confused look.
“Look Damon, I already see where you’re going with this, I don’t know what is going on, but regardless of how you are, you are my friend. I don't think I have a closer friend than you. Like, everyone else at school? I don't count them as friends. I mean yeah some of the guys are fun to hang out with, but none of those assholes came to the hospital worried about me or my mom. You, you are a real friend and you were there for me. I won’t forget that. Lets maybe just not think about that other stuff right now.”
“Well…I’ve been meaning to talk to you about all of this Trent…”
“What?”
“Well, I was just wondering how you felt.”
“What do you mean how I felt?”
“Well. During the whole chaos of everything when I spent the night at your house—“
“Lets just drop it for now!”
“Trent. Calm down!”
“That was nothing and I shouldn't have done it. Okay, Damon!?”
“Was it? Was it really nothing?”
“It was nothing, Damon. I was lonely…and I needed someone.”
“Is that why you kissed me, Trent?”
He turned away from me and looked out the window, as I asked that. His eyes were fixed. Almost as if he was looking for the answer in the wind moving my curtains.
“Do you really think I need this right now?" He replied desperately as he continued his search...
I don’t think he found whatever he was looking for out there. The anwser to his question was not in the wind. Or at least I could never find it out there...
“Trent?”
I no longer felt his head resting on me. I didn’t feel his arm draped over me anymore.
He was gone.
I rose up from the floor. My body felt like it had been still for ages. I made my way over to the window in nothing but my underwear. As I pulled the fabric out of my butt I looked out but I couldn’t make out anything because of the way the sun was hitting the window. I had assumed Trent had left in his truck. I could only think of one place he would have gone.
“Damn.” I said aloud, weakly, with a sigh.
I checked my phone. It was only 9 in the morning. No messages. No missed calls. I knew where he went, but I couldn’t figure out why he had left me here, alone. Actually I could have, but I didn’t want to.
Surely if something had happened someone would have tried to get a hold of me? I thought to myself.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know if I was supposed to go to the hospital or just go home. Part of me wanted to stay and wait for him to come back.
At a loss of what to do next I started to get dressed. I got one leg in my pants, but then I noticed the door open with a slow creak.
“Hello-Oh my goodness.” The entering woman said as she saw me more or less fully naked.
I staggered in surprise.
“Ah shit.” I said as I pulled up my pants in a hurry.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to barge in. I thought you were still asleep. Who are you, exactly?” The woman asked.
Finished buttoning my pants I replied. “I’m Damon. What are you doing here? Who are you?” I replied back defensively.
The woman looked older and somewhat familiar. I think I had met her before this encounter, but I didn’t recall where at that time. She was light skinned with blonde hair and steel blue eyes. She was a bigger woman and looked very much like a cow girl. An older woman you might find at a rodeo perhaps. She had a lot of big tacky jewelry on. That seemed to be her desperate attempt to make herself look smaller. I don't think it worked. Especially with that tight, low-cut shirt and those jeans pulled up to her boobs.
Yuk.
“Oh you’re his friend, right. I’m Trent’s Aunt, Anita. I believe we’ve meet once or twice before. It sure is good to see you again, sweet heart. I don’t mean to rush you, but maybe you should go home now, sweetie.”
“Where is Trent? Is Mrs. Kiedis okay?”
“He was gone when we got here." She said.
“What about Mrs. Kiedis? How is she doing?” I asked as I pulled my wrinkled filled shirt over my body. I stood there, in the middle of his room, waiting for her response with my mouth hanging open as if it were pleading for a response in its own silence.
She turned to me as she was about to close the door and moved her eyes from the floor to my face, stopping for just a moment before leaving the room.
I didn’t need the answer…
I left the house without saying another word. Evidently, Trent’s aunt, uncle, and three cousins came in this morning while I was asleep. I suppose I know why now.
I drove home and I began to think about Trent. The pain he must have felt and the hurt he must have had to deal with. I wanted to be there with him. I’d never cared more about a person. I hit my steering wheel repeatedly as tears began to fill my eyes once again.
I didn’t go home. I stopped at the town park and just sat in the swing as I watched the trees blow with the wind. The trees easily submitted to the wind’s will. It didn’t even try and resist.
I find it funny how the World works. You're born and then you spend your whole life affecting everything and everyone around you. No matter how subtle or drastic that affect is, no matter how long or briefly you affect it/them, when you're gone, that is all anyone else can see of you. The affect you had on this World. That is all that remains. Your light affect.
I just didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to be alone with myself.
At that moment, for the first time in my entire life, I didn’t know what to do next...
I sat at the back of the church, by myself. My mom couldn't get off work despite her trying to, but she did manage to make it up here the night beforehand. I thought sitting at the back was the best place for me. I was not a family member or a close friend to her, but I had known her since I was five years old. I definitely loved her. She was an amazing woman. Besides, I was sure Trent would be happy to know I cared enough to come.
I didn’t expect him to sit by me and shoot the breeze the entire time. I thought he would want to be with his family at that moment, but I hoped at least I see him. After a few minutes of me awkwardly sitting alone he came over.
“Hi.” Trent said as he walked by me with his father and older sister, Taylor. He stopped and walked past me in the isle to take a seat beside me. He looked pretty heartbroken. He had been crying. I could see it written on his face. Despite what looked like an apparent attempt to rid himself of the tears.
“You okay?” I asked, not knowing how else to greet him.
“No.” He said plainly with a forced chuckle.
“I’m so sorry Trent. I wish I could have been there. I know how much you loved her and I know how much she loved you. Hell, I loved her.”
He didn’t reply.
“Trent, if you ever need to talk about anything you can always talk to me. I know things are a little confusing between us right now, but I’m always here if you need an ear.”
He remained stone faced for a few moments and then revealed a small smile as he peered over at me.
“Thanks. I better go see my Dad. I just wanted to see you for a minute. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
“Oh and Damon.” He turned and said as he began walking down the middle isle of the church.
“Yeah?”
“She loved you too…”
It was hard for me to sit through the service. I found myself being more upset about her being gone than I had originally thought.
I left rather quickly after the service. I didn’t know many people there and plus I was not a member of the family so I figured I would just let Trent be with them. I left feeling a measure of relief, but I knew things would never be the same for Trent.
After a long week at school I came home and it felt amazing outside. That’s the wonderful thing about Texas. Even in the winter you could always count on a nice warm day to lift up your spirits every once and awhile, especially on Fridays it seemed. The spring-like-breeze made me want to go take a nap in the seemingly bright green grass.
It was almost as if Mother Nature knew I had a hard week and that was my reward. Sunshine and a light breeze.
Not a better prize could have been given.
Nothing relaxed me more than strumming on my guitar near an open window and watching the wind knock back the curtain, it was so peaceful.
I heard my front door slam; it caught me off guard, as it hadn’t made that sound in a long time.
Before I could get up off my couch good I found myself being hit in the gut with a can of soda.
“Here. I thought you might be thirsty”
“Oh, thanks. Whats up?”
“Nothing, really. I didn’t feel like spending another afternoon at home with my Aunt Anita while dad hides at work, so I thought I’d stop over. I guess she feels like she has to be my mom now. I'm just sort of ready for her to go home. A little of her goes a long ways. So, I figured maybe you'd want to hang out.”
“Really?” I gave him a curious, confused look.
“Look Damon, I already see where you’re going with this, I don’t know what is going on, but regardless of how you are, you are my friend. I don't think I have a closer friend than you. Like, everyone else at school? I don't count them as friends. I mean yeah some of the guys are fun to hang out with, but none of those assholes came to the hospital worried about me or my mom. You, you are a real friend and you were there for me. I won’t forget that. Lets maybe just not think about that other stuff right now.”
“Well…I’ve been meaning to talk to you about all of this Trent…”
“What?”
“Well, I was just wondering how you felt.”
“What do you mean how I felt?”
“Well. During the whole chaos of everything when I spent the night at your house—“
“Lets just drop it for now!”
“Trent. Calm down!”
“That was nothing and I shouldn't have done it. Okay, Damon!?”
“Was it? Was it really nothing?”
“It was nothing, Damon. I was lonely…and I needed someone.”
“Is that why you kissed me, Trent?”
He turned away from me and looked out the window, as I asked that. His eyes were fixed. Almost as if he was looking for the answer in the wind moving my curtains.
“Do you really think I need this right now?" He replied desperately as he continued his search...
I don’t think he found whatever he was looking for out there. The anwser to his question was not in the wind. Or at least I could never find it out there...
Volume Seven.
I looked out the window too, but I looked for something different. I was looking for stability. I was looking for clarity, an answer, maybe. My eyes were fixed on the rotting brown leaves in hope that they might have found some understanding of what was going on. I didn’t find what I was looking for either.
Just when I was formulating what I was going to say next Trent got up.
“Where are you-“
“I just want to step outside.”
I followed him out my front door, which again, was in my bedroom. Another benefit of my room was that just outside the front door I had a huge patio that was covered and perfect for hanging out on a nice day. He still looked out into the distance as he took a seat like he didn’t want to engage my question; hard to blame him. I honestly didn’t want to ask it again either.
He looked so handsome. He had on a black tank top which he most likely threw on after he ran for track practice. It, of course, was very tight and showed off his arms very well. He had very nice arms. Tanned, toned, yet they were still lean, long, and appealing to the eye. The top fit him so snug that every twitch in his body was completely visible through it. He had on a loose pair of running shorts and the view from where I was sitting on the patio furniture gave me a fantastic view up his shorts. I couldn’t see his jock strap (or possible lack thereof), but I still got a nice rare view of his upper thigh.
Ah and how could forget his hair. Of course he had gotten sweaty and it looked as if he had held a bottle of water over his head at some point during his run, because his hair looked very damp. It gave him a rather sympathetic look. He smelt of sweat also. I hate smelly guys in most cases, but I couldn’t get enough of him when he smelt sweaty. Maybe it was because I found him appealing so my mind told me to like the smell, but I found it simply arousing. I just wanted to run my nose up and down every crevice of his from.
Strange thing to think about isn’t it?
As I was still admiring him he spoke after what seemed like forever. I honestly forgot the exact nature of the question until he had finished his answer.
“I don’t know why I did it. I’m honestly afraid to even be saying this to you, but I guess I did it because I wanted to. At first I thought I did it, because I wanted to thank you for being there for me, but I don’t think that was why. I’ve questioned my sexuality once before when I was young, but I never told anyone and I have since been very strictly straight. So, this is confusing for me and it scares me. I do know one thing. It means a lot to me that you were there for me and…”
…What?”
He stared away slowly and plopped his eyes down into his fingers to push back what appeared to be tears.
“…it means a lot to know that you have someone who cares about you so much. I’m sorry I’m acting like such a wimp. It’s been a shitty week. I'm so sick of everything.”
I had never seen him like this. After he lost his mother Trent had become a very different person. He was so passionate, yet it scared me somewhat. I remained wary of his words and his actions.
“Damon…I care about you too…but I don’t know what to do. I can’t just be gay with you no matter how much you care about me. I don’t even know what to say about my attraction to other dudes. Do you know what people would do if they found out either of us even had the slightest interest in each other? I am not doing that.”
“I know.” I said quickly as it seemed he wasn’t finished.
“So, as of right now, we are just friends, and neither one of us will breathe a word about any of this to anyone else.”
I didn’t like the sound of that idea, but I gave him the answer he wanted.
“Sounds like an idea.”
For the rest of the afternoon we played games, listened to music, ate junk food, and talked about all the memories we had made. For a while, it felt like old times, but then he started talking about his mom.
“I’ve felt like shit this whole week. It feels like a completely different house without her. I don’t even think it’s fair to call it home anymore. Dad has done nothing but yell and when he isn’t yelling he won’t speak. He won’t speak to anyone, especially me.”
“You can stay here anytime you want to, dude. Anytime you’d like.”
“You know makes me sick more than anything else?”
I didn’t dare ask.
“The last thing I ever said to her was “bye.” It wasn’t even one of those good heartfelt ones either.”
“Trent, don’t do this to yourself anymore. None of this is your fault. There was nothing you could have done.”
He kept going.
“It was one of those goodbyes you say with your head down as you get ready to open the front door. The last thing I heard her say was “don’t forget to feed the dogs when you get home.””
“…I’m sorry, Trent. I'm here for you if you need anything. I love you, and you don't have to beat yourself up anymore.”
I leaned across the couch and put my hand around him, but he still remained pissed at the world and kept getting angry at nothing and pointing and yelling at nothing.
“I didn’t even remember to feed those fucking dogs either.”
At that point his eyes were wet once again. That seemed like a completely different person to the friend I had grown up with. The Trent I knew was always light hearted and would make jokes with you no matter how awkward or depressing a situation was. He was always fun to be around and never ever had “bad moods.”
That was a different Trent; A Trent that had been locked away for a long time.
I decided to go to bed before the matter got any worse, and so did he. He slept on the couch. This was the norm as all of my friends remained on the couch during the night. This was truly for my benefit as I was always afraid to share a bed with some of my friends. I always had a fear that in my sleep I would have put my arm around one of them and cuddled up with them in their sleep. So I made sure there was a couch in my room. That is the last thing I needed to happen on this night.
I fell asleep thinking about everything that had happened, but after a while all I could focus on was Trent. It was like that most night. I thought of his body, his smile, his smell, his laugh, the way he tousled his hair, and his eyes. I especially thought of his eyes as I drifted into my dream.
It was the dream I usually had about him; my very favorite.
It was amazing. Deep into REM I had everything I wanted. He was on top of me. He ran his fingers up and down the side of my body ever so slowly as I felt his lips touch my neck. I turned my head in pleasurable response and nuzzled it up against his palm as I felt one of his hands caress my jaw and neck. With his other hand he ran his fingers through my hair and rested it on the back of my head.
It was a dream I had had many times over. I felt a pain this time though. It seemed unexplainable, this pain. This was different. I felt it in my right leg.
“Owww…” I said, in the dream or maybe aloud. I wasn’t sure. I felt startled and more alert and aware, but it still felt like a dream.
But what I realized next was so unexpected that I almost jumped out of my bed in surprise. I was not, at the time, sure what my hands were touching, until I heard a voice whisper back.
“Are you okay?”
It was my dream…except it wasn’t.
“Trent?”
“Did I hurt your leg?”
I moved my hands slightly. As I did I felt the sides of his body. Lean and fit. He didn’t have his shirt on. I was not about to say anything that might have made him leave my bed so I said I was fine in a stuttering reply and then I pulled him back down towards me in utter, giddy, excitement to finally fulfill my “wildest dreams.” I was not thinking. Thinking would have ruined that, asking questions would have ended what was happening. So for the first time ever I just did, instead of think.
I couldn't see a thing, but I think that made it even more exciting. The pleasures of darkness make your other senses more alert, and that they did. The darkness made it so easy to let loose.
The 2nd time around I participated too now that I realized that I was not, in fact, dreaming.
I ran my hands all across his back as he finally found my lips. His lips were sensuous. I had never observed his ability to kiss, but it was the hottest, most passionate, thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life. I had never wanted something more than to meet lips with him and I finally had him, and he had me. As my hands continued to fondle his upper torso his remained on my neck and behind my head. It was tragically sweet. The whole time our feet were filtering in utter excitement of the experience we were sharing.
He kept his shorts on, but as he began to settle down I worked up the courage to cop a feel of his butt and I didn’t regret it. I gave it a light squeeze threw his shorts as he persisted to continue kissing me; it was barely a squeeze really. I couldn't work up enough courage to really "dig in."
All the while we had to deal with one another’s boners rubbing against each other. I really rarely focused on that. I mean I was more interested in everything else. Did I want to take his pants off? Yes, but at that point I was enjoying the passionate physical expression of his feelings for me and mine of him. It meant more to me than fucking and I wasn’t going to ruin that for us.
As the night wore on things cooled down instead of heating up, but really I think that was how it was supposed to end on that night. Trent, at one point, had laid his head down on the right side of my body, but continued to kiss my neck until he fell asleep. I was so happy. I remember never wanting that moment to end.
It was everything I had ever wanted, him.
But, as he drifted to sleep the questions left unanswered, the questions I had tried not to think about began to fill my head and no amount of cuddling was going to make them go away…
(To continue reading click "Older Posts" below)
Just when I was formulating what I was going to say next Trent got up.
“Where are you-“
“I just want to step outside.”
I followed him out my front door, which again, was in my bedroom. Another benefit of my room was that just outside the front door I had a huge patio that was covered and perfect for hanging out on a nice day. He still looked out into the distance as he took a seat like he didn’t want to engage my question; hard to blame him. I honestly didn’t want to ask it again either.
He looked so handsome. He had on a black tank top which he most likely threw on after he ran for track practice. It, of course, was very tight and showed off his arms very well. He had very nice arms. Tanned, toned, yet they were still lean, long, and appealing to the eye. The top fit him so snug that every twitch in his body was completely visible through it. He had on a loose pair of running shorts and the view from where I was sitting on the patio furniture gave me a fantastic view up his shorts. I couldn’t see his jock strap (or possible lack thereof), but I still got a nice rare view of his upper thigh.
Ah and how could forget his hair. Of course he had gotten sweaty and it looked as if he had held a bottle of water over his head at some point during his run, because his hair looked very damp. It gave him a rather sympathetic look. He smelt of sweat also. I hate smelly guys in most cases, but I couldn’t get enough of him when he smelt sweaty. Maybe it was because I found him appealing so my mind told me to like the smell, but I found it simply arousing. I just wanted to run my nose up and down every crevice of his from.
Strange thing to think about isn’t it?
As I was still admiring him he spoke after what seemed like forever. I honestly forgot the exact nature of the question until he had finished his answer.
“I don’t know why I did it. I’m honestly afraid to even be saying this to you, but I guess I did it because I wanted to. At first I thought I did it, because I wanted to thank you for being there for me, but I don’t think that was why. I’ve questioned my sexuality once before when I was young, but I never told anyone and I have since been very strictly straight. So, this is confusing for me and it scares me. I do know one thing. It means a lot to me that you were there for me and…”
…What?”
He stared away slowly and plopped his eyes down into his fingers to push back what appeared to be tears.
“…it means a lot to know that you have someone who cares about you so much. I’m sorry I’m acting like such a wimp. It’s been a shitty week. I'm so sick of everything.”
I had never seen him like this. After he lost his mother Trent had become a very different person. He was so passionate, yet it scared me somewhat. I remained wary of his words and his actions.
“Damon…I care about you too…but I don’t know what to do. I can’t just be gay with you no matter how much you care about me. I don’t even know what to say about my attraction to other dudes. Do you know what people would do if they found out either of us even had the slightest interest in each other? I am not doing that.”
“I know.” I said quickly as it seemed he wasn’t finished.
“So, as of right now, we are just friends, and neither one of us will breathe a word about any of this to anyone else.”
I didn’t like the sound of that idea, but I gave him the answer he wanted.
“Sounds like an idea.”
For the rest of the afternoon we played games, listened to music, ate junk food, and talked about all the memories we had made. For a while, it felt like old times, but then he started talking about his mom.
“I’ve felt like shit this whole week. It feels like a completely different house without her. I don’t even think it’s fair to call it home anymore. Dad has done nothing but yell and when he isn’t yelling he won’t speak. He won’t speak to anyone, especially me.”
“You can stay here anytime you want to, dude. Anytime you’d like.”
“You know makes me sick more than anything else?”
I didn’t dare ask.
“The last thing I ever said to her was “bye.” It wasn’t even one of those good heartfelt ones either.”
“Trent, don’t do this to yourself anymore. None of this is your fault. There was nothing you could have done.”
He kept going.
“It was one of those goodbyes you say with your head down as you get ready to open the front door. The last thing I heard her say was “don’t forget to feed the dogs when you get home.””
“…I’m sorry, Trent. I'm here for you if you need anything. I love you, and you don't have to beat yourself up anymore.”
I leaned across the couch and put my hand around him, but he still remained pissed at the world and kept getting angry at nothing and pointing and yelling at nothing.
“I didn’t even remember to feed those fucking dogs either.”
At that point his eyes were wet once again. That seemed like a completely different person to the friend I had grown up with. The Trent I knew was always light hearted and would make jokes with you no matter how awkward or depressing a situation was. He was always fun to be around and never ever had “bad moods.”
That was a different Trent; A Trent that had been locked away for a long time.
I decided to go to bed before the matter got any worse, and so did he. He slept on the couch. This was the norm as all of my friends remained on the couch during the night. This was truly for my benefit as I was always afraid to share a bed with some of my friends. I always had a fear that in my sleep I would have put my arm around one of them and cuddled up with them in their sleep. So I made sure there was a couch in my room. That is the last thing I needed to happen on this night.
I fell asleep thinking about everything that had happened, but after a while all I could focus on was Trent. It was like that most night. I thought of his body, his smile, his smell, his laugh, the way he tousled his hair, and his eyes. I especially thought of his eyes as I drifted into my dream.
It was the dream I usually had about him; my very favorite.
It was amazing. Deep into REM I had everything I wanted. He was on top of me. He ran his fingers up and down the side of my body ever so slowly as I felt his lips touch my neck. I turned my head in pleasurable response and nuzzled it up against his palm as I felt one of his hands caress my jaw and neck. With his other hand he ran his fingers through my hair and rested it on the back of my head.
It was a dream I had had many times over. I felt a pain this time though. It seemed unexplainable, this pain. This was different. I felt it in my right leg.
“Owww…” I said, in the dream or maybe aloud. I wasn’t sure. I felt startled and more alert and aware, but it still felt like a dream.
But what I realized next was so unexpected that I almost jumped out of my bed in surprise. I was not, at the time, sure what my hands were touching, until I heard a voice whisper back.
“Are you okay?”
It was my dream…except it wasn’t.
“Trent?”
“Did I hurt your leg?”
I moved my hands slightly. As I did I felt the sides of his body. Lean and fit. He didn’t have his shirt on. I was not about to say anything that might have made him leave my bed so I said I was fine in a stuttering reply and then I pulled him back down towards me in utter, giddy, excitement to finally fulfill my “wildest dreams.” I was not thinking. Thinking would have ruined that, asking questions would have ended what was happening. So for the first time ever I just did, instead of think.
I couldn't see a thing, but I think that made it even more exciting. The pleasures of darkness make your other senses more alert, and that they did. The darkness made it so easy to let loose.
The 2nd time around I participated too now that I realized that I was not, in fact, dreaming.
I ran my hands all across his back as he finally found my lips. His lips were sensuous. I had never observed his ability to kiss, but it was the hottest, most passionate, thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life. I had never wanted something more than to meet lips with him and I finally had him, and he had me. As my hands continued to fondle his upper torso his remained on my neck and behind my head. It was tragically sweet. The whole time our feet were filtering in utter excitement of the experience we were sharing.
He kept his shorts on, but as he began to settle down I worked up the courage to cop a feel of his butt and I didn’t regret it. I gave it a light squeeze threw his shorts as he persisted to continue kissing me; it was barely a squeeze really. I couldn't work up enough courage to really "dig in."
All the while we had to deal with one another’s boners rubbing against each other. I really rarely focused on that. I mean I was more interested in everything else. Did I want to take his pants off? Yes, but at that point I was enjoying the passionate physical expression of his feelings for me and mine of him. It meant more to me than fucking and I wasn’t going to ruin that for us.
As the night wore on things cooled down instead of heating up, but really I think that was how it was supposed to end on that night. Trent, at one point, had laid his head down on the right side of my body, but continued to kiss my neck until he fell asleep. I was so happy. I remember never wanting that moment to end.
It was everything I had ever wanted, him.
But, as he drifted to sleep the questions left unanswered, the questions I had tried not to think about began to fill my head and no amount of cuddling was going to make them go away…
(To continue reading click "Older Posts" below)
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