Instead of getting up to shut the window like any normal person would do I burrowed deeper into my blankets, but something interrupted me. I ran into something with my feet, which were as cold as ice. I looked next to me and saw Trent. Fast asleep under my covers. The same covers I had been sleeping under the entire night.
All in one movement, everything that had taken place the night before came rushing back to me.
At first, regret hit me. I had known that Trent was not in his head at the moment and I felt as if I had taken advantage of that. I was not being too considerate of that fact the evening before, but the poor guy had just lost his mother and he was in no way ready for any of what had happened the night before.
I was a gigantic, selfish, inconsiderate (and horny) asshole.
On the other hand he was the one who started kissing my neck while I was asleep.
I was not sure what to make of the situation. I wish I could have been one of those reckless young guys and just not have cared about the consequences of anything. However, being reckless was not one of my strong points. Unfortunately, I had a conscience.
I looked down at him. He looked so peaceful. It appeared we had fallen asleep in a spooning position as he faced the opposite direction of me while my arm seemed to have found a way to drape itself over his warm body. He had his hands folded close to his face and as he slept his bottom lip hung away from his top. If I stayed still long enough I could hear a faint snore erupt every so often as he inhaled and exhaled.
I let out a faint sigh as I rested my forehead against his beautiful golden locks that curtained the back of his head.
I just stayed there and enjoyed what I knew might be the last time I would ever get to be that close to him.
For even then, I feared once he awoke he would blame the whole ordeal that had occurred the night before all on me, and proceed to storm out like he had several months prior.
I didn’t want that, but I couldn’t do any or say anything to stop it.
I let out a faint yawn and felt my eyes grow heavy beneath the weight of the morning air.
“I love you.” I said with my eyes delicately shut with a whisper in my voice.
After a prolonged silence I felt the covers move and my head fall from the back of his; hitting my pillow softly, slowly. That was the last thing I remember before I fell back into my sleep.
I awoke again. Hours later. The sun had moved high into the air and its warm affects could be felt everywhere. However, it was still quit cold. The windows in my room still had a bit of frost on them. My window had been shut, and I was now alone. He was gone. It seemed like he took the cold air with him as the room was no longer frigid like it had been the first time I awoke. All traces of his presence had been wiped away.
I stumbled out of bed, and limped my way towards the kitchen table and sat down.
“Morning, sleeping beauty. Finally decide to wake up?” My father said as he scarfed down his sandwich.
“…shut up.” I said back with my head lying on the table as I day dreamed about going back to sleep.
It felt so strange seeing my father after knowing what I had done the night before. I worried all the time what he would say or do to me when I decided to tell him. Knowing that I am sneaking this around him made me feel bad, but disappointing him and telling him that his one and only son is fooling around with another boy would have killed me. So I avoided it at the time.
“Whats new? Trent sure did run off early. I was hoping he would stick around so he could go fishing with you me, and your uncle.”
“Yeah I guess, he was here when I woke up earlier.”
“Yeah I gave him a quick breakfast as he was heading out. Seemed like he was in a pretty big rush. I was afraid the house was on fire, HAHA.”
“You’re so funny. I might fall out of this chair.” I said as I remained still with my head still on the table, eyes closed, and facing the opposite direction.
“Maybe you need some more sleep. Seem a little grumpy. Is it your time of the month? You riding the cotton pony?”
“Kiss my ass, Stanley.”
I peeled my face off of the table and made my way back to my bedroom.
It was times like that when I wish I could have had a gay friend. Someone I could have dished with and told everything to. I just had the fucking hottest make-out slash grope session of my life and I could tell no one, and even the other person involved didn’t want to talk about it. That alone feeling made me very depressed.
I decided to call Trent. See what he was doing, maybe he would want to hang out, I thought. My thought process what that he didn’t leave because he was uncomfortable. He just had to get home. I was trying to justify calling him, so….this nonsense made sense in my head somehow.
*ring* *ring* “Hey its Trent, leave a message and I’ll call back unless you want money.”
“BEEP”
“Hey Trent. Its me. Damon. I’m just calling to see whats up and maybe if you wanted to go do something later. Call me back.”
I didn’t get a call back, or a text message. He had left me again. To ignore me and pretend that I didn’t exist.
I suppose that was a much easier way to handle things for him. I was an inconvenience in his life a majority of the time. My feelings for him were not what he wanted, until he needed them. I loved him and despite his obvious affection for me…he ignored my feelings.
Why are people such cowards? Why was I such a coward?
I spent the rest of the daylight hours checking my phone and wasting all day watching sad movies with my windows closed and the lights off. It was my great escape, except for the fact that I couldn’t get away. No matter how I tried.
That night, I did not sleep at all. I sat on my porch, wrapped up in a blanket my grandmother had made me before her death. I watched the wind relocate an endless number of long dead leaves in the shadow of the moon lit grass. The wind is an enigma. It affects life so heavily yet all you can see is what it does to other things. The cause, the wind, remain invisible.
I had to do something drastic to fix this once and for all. I refused to let Trent sweep my under the carpet until he needed me. I wouldn’t ignore the issues we had.
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